


Temporary Fix

by SuperDirection



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Case Fic, Child Abuse, Demon Dean, Djinni & Genies, Gay Sex, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, My First Fanfic, Season/Series 10 Spoilers, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-01 16:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 26,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5213096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperDirection/pseuds/SuperDirection
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I was going too feed off the lovely co-ed over there, but the fear coming off of you is so strong.” The djinn inhaled Dean’s scent. “I could probably survive off it for weeks. This is going to be nice and slow, because I really want to savor it.” That was the last thing Dean heard before he was unconscious. </p><p>Or,</p><p>Dean gets attacked by a fear djinn and his deepest fears are revealed. Sam and Cas have to work to save him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. All mistakes are my own. Please let me know if anything is incorrect so I can fix it. Also I do not own anything related to the Supernatural world. None of these characters are my own.

Since removing the Mark, Dean hadn’t felt like being around Sam or Cas. He had almost ruined everything, again. He hadn’t been strong enough, again. He was tired of being a failure. He kept to his room most of the day. He only emerged to go to the bathroom or get food, but even food didn’t hold the same appeal it once had. He was lying in bed, a place where he spent most of his time these days, listening to music. He heard a knock at his door.  


“Dean,” Sammy said. “Can I come in?”  


“Yeah the door is unlocked.” Dean took out his headphones and waited for his brother to enter his room. Sam opened the door, and leaned against the frame. It was obvious that he was checking on Dean. But Dean didn’t have the energy to care, or the energy to tell him that he didn’t need a babysitter.  


“I was checking the local newspapers, and I think that I found something that might be our kind of thing,” Sam said as he moved to the end of the bed pausing at the foot to toss Dean the newspaper. He tried to play it off as wanting to see if Dean was interested in the case, but it was clear that he wanted to get closer to Dean to get a better look at him. The worry was evident on Sam’s face, but so was the pity. Dean picked up the newspaper and glanced at it. He attempted to appear as though he was reading it. He knew that he was being difficult and was throwing the biggest hissy fit ever, but a selfish part of him didn’t want to go. He wanted this to be someone else’s problem. He wanted to stay in bed listening to music and not be responsible for the whole damn world. That wasn’t an option. He was a hunter. So he did what he always did. He put on a lazy smile and pretended everything was okay.  


“Where’s the job?” Sammy didn’t even comment on his fake reading. He just looked relieved.  


“It’s in Topeka, which is only about three hours from here. There are six dead vics in the past two weeks.”  


“So what are we thinking? Blood missing? Claw marks? Hex bags?”  


“The coroner’s report said that all the victims had a blue handprint on their throat and their organs were liquefied.”  


“Great so we’re thinking it’s the bastard offshoot of djinn.”  


“You’re probably right.” Sam looked happy that Dean came to this conclusion. Sam had probably figured it out the second he read the article. He probably just wanted Dean to feel good about knowing the answer. As if one gold star would make Dean suddenly stop feeling shitty about all the things he’s done.  The problem was all the right answers in the world wouldn’t suddenly make him feel like anything less than a monster.  


“So I’m going to go load up on lamb’s blood, want to leave in an hour?” Sam said, crossing the room. The question felt heavy. Sam said it in a way that gave Dean an out. For all the pushing Sam did, he would never force Dean to do anything he didn’t want to.  


“Yeah, I’m just going to pack up some clothes. That way if we don’t finish the job we don’t have to drive back and forth. I should be ready to go in an hour.” Sam nodded his head, and left the room.  


It wouldn’t take Dean an hour to get ready. He always had a bag ready to go just in case. The bunker may have started to resemble a real home to him with the all the guns and posters he put on the walls and the pictures he put on his side table, but knew he was never going to have a permanent home. He needed to be ready to leave anywhere in a moment’s notice. The only constants in his life were Baby and Sammy. And if Sammy needed him to be okay, then he was going to try his damndest to be. He closed his eyes and put his headphones back in. He had an hour to kill, and he intended to relax as long as he could.             


Dean awoke with a start. He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep and the sound of his music playing louder scared him. His mouth felt dry and his breath tasted like death. He scrubbed his hands over his eyes hoping to wake himself up. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately and it was starting to take a toll on his body. He was falling asleep at the most random times. Thankfully since he has been staying in his room, Sammy hadn’t had the chance to notice. He glanced over at the clock. He was asleep for just under an hour. He could wash off his face and brush his teeth and Sam wouldn’t be the wiser. He took out his headphones and threw them into the duffle on the floor and slid his phone into his pocket. He heaved himself out of bed and walked towards the bathroom.  


He looked at himself in the mirror and determined that he looked like death. And he would know, since he knew the guy personally. He might even on a good day count him as a friend. God his life had become so weird. He bent down to slash water on his face and when he looked up to see himself in the mirror he could have sworn his eyes were black. Just as quickly as he saw them, they were gone. He had been having dreams about being a demon again. He would see his reflection in something and swear the pitch black eyes were back. His arm would tingle and he would swear the Mark was still there, still demanding violence and bloodshed. Usually all it took was a couple of deep breaths and the images and the feelings would go away. He still worried that at some point deep breaths wouldn’t be enough. He worried that one day the Mark and black eyes wouldn’t be an excuse anymore. He worried one day Sammy would look at him and see Dean for the monster he is. He turned and walked out of the bathroom, picking up his duffle bag and throwing it over his shoulder as he stepped into his bedroom. He glanced around one more time and headed out the door.   


He popped the trunk of Baby and noticed Sam was already sitting in the passenger seat. Sam was going through files that he must have printed out while Dean was napping. Dean put his duffle into the truck and slid into the driver’s seat. He felt a little guilty because he hadn’t driven Baby in a while. He turned her on and thankfully she purred to life. As Dean pulled out of the bunker’s garage, Sam acknowledged his existence.  


“Do you think we should call Cas?” Sam said looking at Dean expectantly.    


Cas had been looking for Rowena ever since they let out the darkness. She put a spell on Cas to get him to kill Crowley, but Crowley had managed to escape and get to Sam and Dean. Crowley convinced Dean to, “Talk down his angry trench-coated feathered boyfriend.” Dean didn’t want to think about the fact that it didn’t take much for Crowley to convince Dean to help him. He also didn’t want to think about what it meant that Crowley had called Cas his boyfriend.  Dean really didn’t want to think about the fact that Dean could talk Cas down, despite the fact that Cas was hit with some serious magic. Cas said that it probably had to do with their profound bond. Dean wanted to cling to that idea and not dig any deeper into it. So he pulled a classic Winchester move and ignored Cas ever since. No chick flick moments for him.  


“No I don’t think we need him. It’s just a djinn. It’s not like we haven’t fought a million of them before. The two of us can handle it. I mean I’m sure he’s busy with Rowena and Crowley. I’m sure Crowley is driving him crazy making him look everywhere for her.” Dean took a breath. He was rambling and he couldn’t stop it. Sam raised his eyebrows, but other than that did not acknowledge Dean’s word vomit.  


“I suppose we don’t really need him. You can always call him if things go sideways.”  


“Why do I have to call him? It’s not like we are any closer than you guys are. I mean it’s not like you couldn’t call him if you wanted to.” Sam’s eyebrows went up even higher than before. His face was full of surprise.  


“I just thought you would call him since he always comes when you call. That’s it. Is there anything you want to talk about?” Sam narrowed his eyes at Dean. He was giving Dean the face that implied that he knew something that Dean didn’t. Dean hated that face.  


“Nope,” Dean said popping the p. He turned to stare straight ahead and turned up the music. Sam made a disapproving face, but he seemed to understand that Dean didn’t want to talk about the matter anymore. As far as brothers went, Dean could have done worse than Sam.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the ride flew by in silence. Dean nodded along absentmindedly to the music while Sam napped. Dean pulled into the parking lot of the first hotel he could find. The drive wasn’t that long and it was still early, but Dean felt exhausted. He was almost tempted to leave Sam and crawl into the bed at the hotel and sleep, because he knew that if he woke up Sam he would want to do research or talk to the families. Dean shook Sam awake anyway.  


“We’re here. Grab the stuff out of the trunk and I’ll go check in.” Sam nodded his head as he stretched. Sam looked refreshed and awake. Dean was envious. It felt like forever since he felt awake. He seemed to constantly be in a fog.  
Dean checked into the hotel and walked back towards Sam to let him into the room. Sam was leaning against the car staring off into space.  


“Earth to Sammy.” Dean waved a hand in front of Sam’s face. “What’s up with you?”  


Sam just shook his head. “I was just thinking about the case. Did you get the keys?”  


Dean nodded and held up both keys. He dropped one into Sam’s hand, and turned back towards their room. They were half way there when Sam spoke up.  


“So I found some places where the djinn could be committing the murders. I’m sure it would want somewhere abandoned, where it would have privacy. I figure we check those out and if those are a bust we can start talking to victim’s families in the morning.” Dean just nodded distractedly. They reached the door and Dean slid the key out of his pocket to open it. Dean stopped at the bed closest to the door and dropped his duffel on it. Dean always took the bed closest to the door, because he wanted to but a barrier between Sam and anyone who wanted to hurt him. It was a habit he started when they were kids and it stuck.  


“I’ll pick up some food, and you can take a nap and then we can go out tonight,” Sam said. On the word nap, Sam seemed to stare into Dean’s soul. It was as if he knew that Dean was exhausted and hadn’t been sleeping. Or maybe it was Dean’s imagination, so he played innocent.  


“Sounds good,” Dean said moving his duffle to flop on the bed. He closed his eyes. He heard Sam sigh and open the door, but Dean ignored it. He was good at ignoring a lot of things; it was no surprise that he was asleep in seconds.  


Dean woke up to the sound of Baby pulling up. He was covered in sweat. He had dreamt of destroying entire cities. In his dream he enjoyed setting buildings on fire and watching everything burn. He enjoyed the screams. In the dream he had turned towards two screams that he would know anywhere. They were coming from Sam and Cas. In his dream he headed towards them. They were both on the ground begging him to stop, begging him not to hurt them. He slid out his gun and shot them both. No hesitation, no doubt in his mind that it was the right thing to do. It was so cold and clinical. It was as though he had never met either one of them in his life. Dream him looked up and saw his reflection in a broken window. His eyes were their usual green, and the Mark was absent from his arms.  


Dean tried to calm himself down so Sam wouldn’t ask him what was wrong. He didn’t want to explain that he was fucked up in the head. Sam would want to take him off the case. Even though he didn’t want to be here in the first place, he would be damned if Sam benched him.  


Dean was able to get himself together enough by the time Sam walked in, so much so that Sam didn’t so much as blink at his appearance. Sam came into the motel and placed the food on the table between the beds. Dean picked up his burger and pretended that everything was okay. He figured if you told yourself something enough it would be true. He figured the first million times didn’t count.


	3. Chapter 3

It was cold and dark. This was the third place that they had inspected. Dean was starting to feel an itch in his skin, he couldn’t quite get comfortable. They were at an abandoned building that was smack dab in the middle of the kill zone. Dean and Sam walked down the hallway when Dean noticed a trail of blood on the floor. Dean pointed it out to Sam who just nodded his head. Dean clutched his silver knife with lamb’s blood a little tighter.  


They came toward a giant room that branched off into two separate hallways. Sam leaned his head one way and pointed at himself. Then he pointed two fingers in the other direction and nodded towards Dean. They had been working together for long enough that Dean was able to understand what he meant. Sam wanted to go one way and he wanted Dean to go the other. While they could cover more ground that way, Dean didn’t particularly want to leave Sam on his own. There was nothing he could do to change Sam’s mind, so he turned to go. He took a step when Sam grabbed his shoulder. Sam looked him in the eye and pointed at his knife. He was telling Dean to be careful. Dean just rolled his eyes. Dean pushed Sam’s hand off his shoulder and walked off.  


Dean knew he overreacted, but he was annoyed. It was Dean’s job to look after Sam not the other way around. Dean could take care of himself. Dean came to a door at the end of the hallway and opened the door. He was distracted and off his game so he didn’t see the figure hiding in the corner of the room. What he did notice was a girl strung up from the ceiling. He rushed over to her.  


“Shit,” he whispered. He felt for a pulse and thankfully felt one. She was clearly sedated, and wasn’t responding to his attempts to get her attention. The djinn clearly hadn’t started feeding on her, because there wasn’t the telltale blue mark on her. She seemed okay for now but she was freezing cold. Dean then noticed the injury she had on her side, which was causing massive blood loss. That would explain her low body temperature. She couldn’t stand to lose much more blood. She needed medical attention as soon as possible. He undid the chains on her wrists and gently lowered her to the ground, placing his hand over the wound attempting to place pressure on it.  


Dean hadn’t been hunting for a while. He hadn’t been working out lately, or sparring, or putting in time at the shooting range. To put it frankly, he was off his game. He didn’t notice the figure in the shadows moving, and he didn’t notice the figure moving closer to him. He was too busy kneeling, taking off his plaid shirt as he went, to help apply more pressure to the girl’s side. She was losing blood quickly, and she wouldn’t last much longer without a transfusion. Dean was contemplating bringing her to Baby to grab the medical kit to attempt to give her his own blood. He’s O-, meaning he could give to anyone; he didn’t want to think long about the symbolism of that. After he came to the conclusion that it was too dangerous to do a blood transfusion here, he took stock of his surroundings. He noticed the figure, which at this point was looming over him.  


Dean’s instincts went into high alert, and he readied himself for a fight. He was at a distinct disadvantage being on his knees. He reached for his knife that he stupidly set down away from him, but the djinn was quicker. The djinn picked him up from his throat, cutting off his air supply. He gasped for air, his legs swinging uselessly in front of him. Dean attempted to scratch or claw his way out, forgetting how strong djinns are. And this djinn had been feeding on vics left and right. Dean on the other hand, had been surviving off pie and chips as a “fuck you!” to the world. He was regretting it now, because his movements were slow and his mind was becoming hazy. He tried to yell for Sammy, but it was no use. He could see black dots forming in the corners of his eyes. Right before he was about to die from suffocation, the hand was removed from his throat.  


Dean fell to his knees, and his hand flew to his throat. He gasped in air greedily, but his body didn’t feel as though it was enough. His throat burned and his head felt fuzzy. He tried to crawl away until he was stable enough to fight. He didn’t make it very far. The djinn just covered his mouth with one of his hands, the other he wrapped around Dean’s throat. While the pressure wasn’t enough to kill him, it was enough to achieve what the djinn really wanted. The djinn leaned down to whisper in his ear, as Dean felt himself becoming weak and his insides turning to mush as a bright blue light appeared.  


“I was going too fed off the lovely co-ed over there, but the fear coming off of you is so strong.” The djinn inhaled Dean’s scent. “I could probably survive off it for weeks. This is going to be nice and slow, because I really want to savor it.” That was the last thing Dean heard before he was unconscious.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean heard voices and sounds around him, but he stubbornly kept his eyes closed. He desperately wanted to open them and be in his dream world. The world he went to with the other djinn. He wanted to hang out with his fake girlfriend and maybe get fake married and have fake babies. He could even tolerate fighting with the fake Sam until the real Sam came and rescued him. He knew that whatever he opened his eyes to wasn’t going to be pleasant, and he was going to be faced with his biggest fear. He thought of when Charlie went through the same thing, and he felt a pang in his chest. He had to get through whatever his fears were, because he owed it to a lot of people who put their lives on the line for him and died because of it.  


He blinked his eyes opened, and took in his surroundings. He was on a plane, but there was something vaguely familiar about this plane. His curiosity helped to steady his stomach, which at this point was rolling uncomfortably. It isn’t until he heard someone humming Metallica that he got it. It felt familiar because it was familiar. He leaned over the seat to look into the aisle and that’s when he sees them, young him and young Sam. He gets a feeling of nostalgia looking at them, and a bit of weirdness. Sam’s hair is shorter and he still has an innocent quality about him. Dean felt tempted to run down the aisle and tell his other self to be a better brother and not drag Sam back into the life with him. He doesn’t bother thinking of something to say to save younger him, because the hunter life was going to ruin him one way or another. He turns away from the both of them.  


Dean doesn’t get up and he doesn’t say anything because the other Dean and Sam aren’t really there, they are a figment of his imagination. The current Dean just has to figure out what he’s doing here, and survive long enough for the current Sam to get to him.  


He takes a couple calming breaths and tries to collect his thoughts. He was obviously on a plane because he has a fear of them, and the djinn he encountered feeds off of fear. He’s still confused as to why the djinn’s toxin made he think of planes. Planes aren’t his greatest fear, not by a long shot.  


The plane shaking unexpectedly makes him get an idea. When he was with Charlie, she had to survive levels of her video game until she reached her mom. The game her dream was based off of wasn’t her biggest fear; she just had to work up till her biggest one. Dean felt proud of himself for solving the problem. He didn’t even need Sammy to help him.  


He wasn’t even given a minute to appreciate his moment of genius, because other thoughts started to invade his mind. How would he get to the next level? What would be on the other levels? Was he meant to interact with the other Dean and Sam? Could he just wait here until real Sam arrived?  


The more he thought about it, the more he didn’t like his answers. Since this level was taken from his memories, the other ones were likely to be memories too. He had spent his entire life burying his feelings under mounds of doubt and self-hatred and he wasn’t too keen on releasing them. But his gut told him that he had to continue on. When he was in Charlie’s dreamscape they couldn’t leave until Charlie faced her fears. While Charlie had needed Dean to help her overcome her fears, Dean was sure he could do this on his own. He was strong enough. A tiny treacherous voice in his brain whispered that he wasn’t strong. It whispered that he was nothing but a coward who didn’t want Sam to see his secrets. He quieted that voice.  


The only challenge he faced now was figuring out what he needed to do to get off the plane. Charlie’s fear with her mother was letting her go. Dean’s fear of planes came from the fact that he didn’t want to crash. His eyes widened. He was going to have to crash this plane. His stomach jumped into his chest. He could distantly hear younger him throwing up into a barf bag, and he could sympathize with him. The idea of crashing the plane made his heart race. He felt his heart trying to beat out of his chest.  


He counted to a hundred in his head, and then started over and counted again. He tried to reason with himself. If he crashed this plane then he wouldn’t have to be on this plane anymore. That reasoning was failing him for a couple reasons. The first, he could die. He wasn’t sure how his own death worked here. Two, what if he was wrong about what he was meant to do? Three, he knew that whatever came next would be even more unpleasant. He sighed. He was a Winchester. He could do anything. And what was dying one more time anyway?  


He undid his belt and walked into the aisle. His stomach was turning and his palms were sweating and he wanted to be anywhere but here. There had to be a reason that his memories included younger Dean instead of new him just replacing old him. Thinking about old him and new him was making his head hurt and it was getting really old really fast.  


When he reached old Dean, the old Dean wordlessly got up and followed him. It was as if he knew exactly what Dean was planning. The difference was that old Dean looked cool as a cucumber, and the current Dean felt like he was dying a little inside. Dean pushed on anyway.  
When they both reached the cockpit, the door swung open on its own. The current Dean walked in and noticed that there wasn’t anyone in the pilot’s seat or anyone in the co-pilot’s seat. Even though this was a kind of dream it still freaked him out that the plane was flying by itself. The old Dean sat in the co-pilot’s chair and stared expectantly at the new Dean. Dean hesitated for only a moment before climbing into the pilot’s chair.  


There was a headset wrapped around the steering wheel, and while it probably wasn’t necessary for Dean to wear he put it on anyway. It made him feel as though this situation was a little less crazy. Dean didn’t know anything about flying a plane, but he figured since it was his subconscious it should fly any way he wanted it to right? He gripped the wheel and pretended it was Baby’s wheel. He figured the best way to do this was to just point the wheel down and keep it down, and then he would hopefully just wake up in the next level of this nightmare.  


Even though he knew what he was meant to do, he couldn’t do it. His knuckles were white against the wheel. Younger him sat eerily still next to him; it was as though he wasn’t even there. Current Dean wanted younger him to try to stop him or comfort him. The absolute silence was killing him. He couldn’t even hear the rest of the plane anymore.  


The plane shook again, even though Dean was still clutching the wheel. The movement spurred Dean into action, because the plane was going to keep shaking until he did something about it. And the shaking motion was a million times worse in the front of the plane. He closed his eyes and moved the wheel.  


The plane went plunging downward. It was going a million miles an hour, or at least to Dean it was. It reminded Dean of the time he took Sam to the amusement park. Sam had come home crying one day because all his friends had gone on trips with their families and they had never gone anywhere. Their dad would have killed them if he found out they went. Their dad thought things like trips to the amusement park were unnecessary and that they distracted Dean and Sam too much from hunting. Maybe Dean took Sam to rebel against their father, or maybe he took him because he couldn’t stand Sam’s upset face, either way the next day Dean called Sam in sick to school. When they got there Sam’s eyes lit up. Sam was so excited and he made Dean play all the games with him and go on all the rides. Dean hated the rides, because they went fast and they terrified him to no end. And he hated the stupid rigged games that you had to spend hundreds of dollars on. At the end of the day Dean was broke, hot, sweaty, and irritated. Sam’s face had made it all worth it.  


Remembering that day, made the plane crashing feel almost okay. Sure he could feel the bile rising up his chest. And sure he could feel his heart thundering. And he was definitely covered in sweat. But he was glad that if he was going to die, his last thought was of Sammy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update every week. It may be sooner, it may be longer.


	5. Chapter 5

His eyes were closed and he was lying down, and he could feel something cold on his cheek. He probably wasn’t in heaven or hell then. If he was in Heaven, the dick angels would be bothering him. If he was in hell, it would be a lot hotter. He probably wasn’t dead then. That meant he made it to the next level of his nightmare. Dean wanted desperately to stay on the floor and sleep forever. He felt like he hadn’t slept in days. He was unsure of how time worked in here compared to the real world, so for all that he knew that could be true.  


He opened his eyes, and realized he was lying on ugly tile flooring. He was surrounded by metal chair legs. He looked up and realized that they were desk legs. He carefully made his way out from the underneath the desk. He was obviously in a classroom, but he had no idea why he was there. There wasn’t anyone else in the room.  


His dreamscape seemed to take that as a personal challenge, because not even a second later a bell sounded and a bunch of kids rushed in. He had gone to so many schools in his life he didn’t even realize that he had gone to this school before. That is until younger him took a seat at the desk that he was just underneath. He looked to be about ten. Ten year old Dean didn’t pay him any attention, and neither did anyone else.  


Thirty-six year old Dean was confused. Being ten wasn’t all together scary. It wasn’t by any means the best time in his life, but he had seen a lot worse. He wanted to believe that his dreamscape had made a mistake. Maybe it intended to send him spiraling into a memory where he was almost killed by a ghost/vampire/werewolf/angel/demon/djinn but instead sent him to an ordinary day in elementary school. The thing was Dean was a lot of things, but lucky wasn’t one of them.  


Dean decided that the best thing to do was to just sit and wait for whatever bad thing that was going to happen, happen. He moved to the other side of the classroom, because being next to ten year old him was weird, and sat down on an empty desk to wait.  


It took nearly the entire class day for something to happen, but when it did Dean felt himself gasp. His teacher, who he by now figured out, was named Mrs. Hammersley, kneeled down next to his desk.  


_“Dean what’s that on your arm?” ___  


_“It’s a bruise, ma’am.” She smiled at the politeness, but the smile didn’t last very long. ___  


_“And where did you get that bruise from Dean?” Younger Dean seemed to pause over the question for a minute. ___  


_“Am I in trouble?” Younger him seemed to sense that his teacher was not too happy. He was always good at picking up people’s emotions. His teacher smiled._  


_“Of course not Dean. I was just wondering what you were doing when you got this bruise?” ___  


_“Oh. I was playing on my bike.” ___  


_“Your bike?” ___  


_“Yeah my bike.” It was a lie, but it sounded true coming from younger Dean’s mouth. ___  


_“You know that it’s important to tell a teacher or another adult if something is the matter right Dean?” Young Dean nodded his head enthusiastically. His teacher accepted this and moved to help other students with their work. ___  


Older Dean wanted to call her back. He wanted to tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. His mouth was dry, and his words died in his throat. He got off the desk he was sitting on and moved to the corner. He curled his legs into himself and stared at the scene with a crazed look on his face. He suddenly felt like he was the one who was ten years old.  



	6. Chapter6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post a new chapter. Hope you enjoy:)

Dean sat there for so long that the dreamscape had seemed to decide that it was bored of the same thing cycling through over and over. It decided that it was going to play different memories with the same theme. Dean just sat unmoving through each one. He couldn’t work up the courage to do anything about it. He thought maybe he was wrong all along, and he really died and this was a new version of hell. That couldn’t be true though, because Crowley would definitely be here laughing at him for landing in hell. He watched another scene pass by.  


_“Dean,” Mr. Jackson started, “I don’t understand why your homework isn’t done. Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but you’re the smartest kid in this class. You could easily have all of this done, but instead your falling asleep in class and failing tests that you should ace. What’s going on?” ___  


_Young Dean swallowed. When it comes to lying the best thing to do is to keep as close to the truth as you can, that way you wouldn’t forgot the important details. He settled somewhere in between the truth and a lie. ___  


_“I have to help my little brother Sam with his homework, since my dad works a lot. Sometimes I run out of time to do my own work. It won’t happen again sir.” ___  


_His teacher just sighed. “I’m not mad at you Dean. I just want to see you succeed. I’m concerned. I may have to speak with your father.” Dean just kept fiddling with his pen and steadily avoided eye contact. He couldn’t handle Mr. Jacobson being disappointed in him. And he really couldn’t handle him speaking to his father. ___  


“Dean.” Dean knew that voice anywhere. It was Sam’s voice, and it wasn’t a young Sam speaking. It sounded like his Sam. Dean whipped his head up. He could have cried he was so happy to see him. But if Sam could see him, then he could see what was happening around Dean. That was fifty kinds of not okay.  
Dean rushed over to Sam and put his arms on his shoulders. Dean looked Sam up and down to make sure he was really there and to make sure he was okay.  


“Sammy it’s good to see you.” Sam smiled.  


“It’s good to see you too Dean.”  


“We’re glad you are well Dean.” Dean tilted his head to peer around Sam. In his haste to get to Sam he didn’t notice Cas standing behind him. Dean suddenly felt awkward. He had been avoiding Cas since before he started hunting the djinn. It felt like ages ago, but they still hadn’t had time to work out their problems.  
Dean dropped his hands from Sam’s shoulders and took a step back. There wasn’t time for awkwardness. Dean needed to get Sam out of here immediately before Sam saw something he shouldn’t.  


“Sam I need you to leave. How did you even get here?” Dean tried to make his voice sound firm. Sam just looked confused.  


“What do you mean leave? We came here to help you leave. You’ve been in here for three days.” Dean opened his mouth, but Sam cut him off. “The girl is fine. We took her to the hospital and the doctors said she was going to make a full recovery. We fixed her up and then Cas fixed your organs. Physically you are fine.” Sam didn’t comment on his mental state. “And we took down the djinn. We took you back to the bunker so you could get better. But then you just, didn’t. We figured we would come to you, so Cas tracked down dream root. And here we are,” Sam said gesturing to Dean’s dreamscape.  


“So you both decided you could just pop in unannounced into my head?”  


“We didn’t just decide. We were worried. Cas wanted to go alone, but I wouldn’t let him go without me.”  


“Yeah well I don’t need you two here. You both can leave I can work this out on my own.” Dean could hear the panic in his voice. He hoped that Sam didn’t question it.  
In the time they had been talking the dreamscape had taken a break. It had stopped moving, but now it was going full force and the scene seemed to be louder than ever. It seemed to pick up on the fear Dean had of Sam figuring out what it meant.  


It was the scene in the first classroom with Ms. Hamersley. This time it skipped the rest of the school day and moved right to the point with Dean and Ms. Hamersley’s conversation. Dean had the desperate urge to throw his arms out and cover everything that was happening but there was no point.  


“Dean is that you?” Cas questioned. Dean gulped.  


“Yeah that’s me.”  


“You look so young here.” Cas stepped forward to get closer to young Dean, but Dean stuck his hand out to stop him. He couldn’t explain why he did it. He regretted it as soon as he did it. His response made it obvious that he was uncomfortable here, and his brother was known for trying to get Dean to talk about things he didn’t want to talk about.  


“Ummm,” Dean said eloquently, moving his hand to the back of his head to rub it. Sam looked like Christmas came early. He was clearly enjoying seeing Dean as a kid, and he was staring a young Dean. Cas was doing his unwavering stare at him.  


“It’s weird seeing you as a kid. I mean I was there when you were one. But, like, I don’t know it’s weird.” Dean unfortunately understood exactly what he meant.  


“But what I don’t get what’s going on here. These are meant to be your fears right? Was one of your fears someone finding out that we were hunters?” Dean wished that that’s what this fear was. He wanted Sam to believe that was his biggest fear.  


“Doesn’t matter Sammy, you have to leave.” Sam just rolled his eyes. It seemed to be a family trait.  


“I’m not leaving here without you.” Dean turned towards Cas.  


“Cas buddy, I need you to take Sam back out the way you came.” Cas shook his head.  


“Sorry Dean I can’t do that. I made promise to Sam that we would both stay until we got you out.” Sam looked far too pleased with himself. Of course Sam knew Dean well enough to know that Dean wouldn’t want him here.  


Dean sighed. There was no way he was going to convince either one of them to leave. They left him with no other option. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up toward the ceiling and let out a shaky breath.  


“Sam whatever happens after this you have to promise me that nothing is going to change alright? We don’t have to have some big profound conversation about this alright?” Sam just nodded his head. He made a promise, but Dean had no doubt in his mind that he would break it later. Cas remained silent. He made no such promise, probably because he didn’t want to make a promise he couldn’t keep. Instead of agreeing, Cas just kept looking at Dean. Cas seemed to be beginning to figure things out and Dean couldn’t have that. Dean knew what he had to do.  


Dean walked over to young Dean and tapped on his shoulder. Young Dean looked up at him.  


“Call her over.” Young Dean nodded his head.  


“Mrs. Hammersley,” young Dean called. Current Dean started walking to the door that just appeared. This scene was irrelevant now. The dreamscape got what it wanted, Dean was sufficiently scared. He knew what was coming next. He opened up the door, and turned around to gesture towards Cas and Sam. Dean held the door open for them as they walked through.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a graphic scene.

They walked into a motel. Cas and Sam stood silently looking at Dean for a clue as to what they were meant to do. Dean walked toward the middle of the room and tried to figure out the significance of this motel room.  


The motel room they were currently in was unfortunately familiar. He had no problem placing this memory. In this memory Dean was about thirteen and Sammy was nine. Young Dean was sitting on the bed closest to the door, and he was sporting an intense black eye. Young Sam was sleeping, which was evident by the steady stream of snores. Young Dean was wiping furiously at his eyes and was swinging his legs back and forth.  


“Dean what’s going on here?” Sam asked concerned. Cas thankfully knew when to keep quiet.  


“I thought we said we weren’t going to talk about it.” Sam opened his mouth to say something, but Dean cut him off.  


“Don’t worry about this memory. This isn’t what we’re here for. This is just a warm up.” After spending three days in a dreamscape, Dean was all too familiar with how fucked up his subconscious was. It liked to give him warm up memories, then get to the truly fucked up stuff.  


After a moment of silence, a key was being inserted into the lock in the motel’s door. Young Dean whipped his head towards the sound. His eyes widened in fear. He scrambled up on the bed and threw the covers over himself. He turned off the light, and scrunched his eyes closed. As soon as young Dean had his eyes closed, the scene switched.  


Sam and Cas seemed startled by the abrupt change, but Dean was used to it.  


“Dean?” Sam asked questioningly. Dean remained quiet. He wasn’t going to offer up anything.  


They were in another motel room. But this time young Dean was sitting next to Sam at the table. Sam was scribbling furiously on a piece of paper and Dean was pointing at something.  


_“Dean I don’t get this. It’s too hard.”  
_

_“Come on Sammy, you know this. It’s not that hard. Okay let’s start small. You have twelve…”  
_

But young Dean never got to finish what he was saying, because current him began to mutter to himself.  


“You had to get everything exactly right.” Dean’s eyes were staring off into space. His face was pinched.  


“What was that Dean?” Sam asked. Dean hadn’t realized he had spoken loud enough for anyone to hear him. He made no effort to answer, and instead smoothed his face into one of disinterest. Sam just barreled on anyway, seemingly not discouraged by Dean’s lack of response.  


“Why do the scenes keep changing? What fear is this?” Sam’s face indicated that he wanted to ask more questions, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Dean.  


Dean figured the best thing to do was to answer one of Sam’s questions and maybe the kid would forget about the other one. “The last fear had a couple scenes. I figured out it was working up to my fear. And that’s the one that matters.”  


Sam clearly wasn’t going to give up. “And what your fear is you didn’t want to help me with my homework?”  


“Not exactly.”  


The scene in the background got louder. It didn’t seem to like it when Dean ignored it, especially during pivotal moments.  


_“Dean, why are you wearing a leather jacket?”  
_

_“Dad always wears a leather jacket.”  
_

_“But you’re not dad. And it’s hot in here.”  
_

_“If you paid as much attention to your homework as you did my clothes you would already be done.”  
_

Hearing this exchange, Dean knew that the truth was about to come out. He was okay with no longer being able to pretend his life was sunshine and roses, or even pretending that it was only as bad as every other hunter. What he couldn’t handle was all the effort he put into protecting Sammy being flushed down the toilet. He wanted Sam to be able to look back and still have some fond memories. Once he saw what came next, every memory Sam had would be tainted.  


“Dean.” Cas whispered. From the sound of his voice, Dean knew he knew. Cas was brilliant, and he was on outsider looking in. There was nothing stopping Cas from looking at things objectively, he was completely unbiased. Cas didn’t have any connection to these memories, he couldn’t make some claim on them. Cas looked at Dean and a number of feelings passed over his face. There was regret, sorrow, anger, love, and understanding. Dean didn’t know what to do with any of them, much less the last two. Dean could feel Sam looking at him and Cas questioningly. It probably drove Sam nuts that Cas was able to figure out something about Dean before he could. But there was no need for explanation, because the scene opened up to a time when Dean was eleven.  


_“Dean why do I have to go to Ms. Gomez’s house? You don’t have to go. I want to be here when dad gets back.”  
_

_“Sorry Sammy you have to go to Ms. Gomez’s house. I have to help dad with some stuff when he gets back. Some big kid stuff.” Sam began to make whimpering noises. His face was scrunching up and it was clear that he was getting ready to pitch a fit. Dean just sighed.  
_

_“Tell you what Sammy, you go with Ms. Gomez right now and I’ll give you a present.” Sam’s sniffing began to subside. Sam wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve, and Dean winced at the snot gathering there.  
_

_Sam looked at Dean through his eyelashes. “What kind of present?” Dean just grinned and walked over to his backpack. He pulled out a kid’s book, and a big candy bar. Sam loved chocolate. Sam’s eyes widened.  
_

_“Where did you get those Dean?” Dean just shrugged his shoulders.  
_

_“I have my ways.” There was a knock at the door and both boys looked up. Dean knelt down to Sam.  
_

_“Now you be good okay. Promise Sammy?” Sammy nodded his head and stuck out his pinky for Dean to wrap his pinky around. Dean stuck his pinky out to pinky promise.  
_

_The knocking began again, so Dean went over to open it. “Why hello there Dean.”  
_

_“Hi Ms. Gomez.”  
_

_“Where’s your father at dear? I was hoping I could speak with him.” Ms. Gomez poked her head through the door and looked around. Dean closed the door slightly, cutting off her view.  
_

_“He’s actually working. That’s why he wanted you to watch Sammy. I’m going over to a friend’s house to stay the night.” Lying was easy as breathing to Dean, but he was afraid Sam would call him out for his lie. Thankfully the kid was too engrossed in his book to notice the story Dean was telling Ms. Gomez was different from the one Dean told him.  
_

_Ms. Gomez looked suspicious but she was trusting and naïve and Dean played the innocent act so well. He wasn’t good at much else. “Well when he gets back let him know I’m looking for him.”  
_

_“Will do. I just have to grab something for Sam and you two can head out.” Dean turned back into the room and grabbed Sam’s backpack from where it was sitting on the kitchen table. He walked back toward Ms. Gomez and Sam handing her the bag.  
_

_“All of Sam’s clothes are in there. I put his sandwich in there for later. Its peanut butter and banana it’s his favorite. He already did his homework, but he likes to do extra reading so I put all of it in there anyway. His toothbrush is in there, and you really have to watch him because he says he brushes his teeth but he really just runs the water. And he can’t have pop no matter what he says, and he has to be in bed by 9:30.” Ms. Gomez just gave Dean a look, like she thought he was adorable.  
_

_“You take such good care of your brother its sweet.” She looked at Sam. “Ready to go dear?” Sam nodded and took her hand, and the two of them left.  
_

_Dean closed the door behind them and went to sit down on the bed in the motel. He was sitting for maybe two minutes when he heard the impala pull up. He sat perfectly still wanting to disappear, hoping that he if he could sit still enough that he would just fold into himself and “poof”, be gone.  
_

_His hopes were dashed when not a minute later his father came stumbling in muttering to himself. Even from a couple feet away, Dean could smell the liquor on him. He knew that his dad was drunk and Dean knew that his dad was angry. Dean looked down at the comforter like it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.  
_

_“What are you looking at boy?” His father sneered.  
_

_“N-nothing.” Dean was upset with himself. This was nothing new. He didn’t know why it was the same song and dance every time.  
_

_“N-n-nothing,” his dad repeated laughing to himself. “You can’t even talk right what good are you?” Dean flinched. It was one of those nights then. One of those nights where his father made him feel bad for even existing. Oh joy.  
_

_John stumbled toward the kitchen and pulled out a glass and an entire bottle of bourbon. The glass was just for show, since he filled it to the brim. Dean could only wonder who his dad was trying to fool. John was looking around when he seemed to notice something. His eyes became a million times more focused. His mouth twisted with anger.  
_

_“What happened to the vase?” Dean took in an unsteady breath. He knew what happened to it. He took the garbage lid off so that John would see it. He knew logically that he had wanted John to see it now, but he was still nervous.  
_

_“I broke it.” Dean whispered. His words came out like a puff of air, barely there.  
_

_“What did you say?”  
_

_“I said I broke it,” Dean repeated, his voice a bit louder but it still had a shaky quality to it.  
_

_In a flash, John was standing over the bed. Dean braced himself for impact.  
_

_“You stupid idiot!” John was screaming at him, and Dean could feel the angry breaths on his face. Dean turned his face away, but John yanked it back toward him.  
_

_“You look at me when I’m talking to you!”  
_

_“Yes.”  
_

_“Yes, what?” His father sneered.  
_

_“Yes, sir.” His father didn’t seem any happier at his words. He grabbed Dean’s arm forcefully and twisted it behind his head, pushing Dean face down into the mattress. Dean was crying silent tears, afraid to make even a sound. But that didn’t stop John from noticing them anyway.  
_

_“You made me do this to you. If you weren’t so stupid I wouldn’t have to punish you. You are always ruining things. You’re soft. You’re weak. You have too many emotions. You aren’t even as much of a man as your brother. Your kid brother. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to have you as a son? You are nothing but a worthless piece of garbage." His father's face twisted into a evil smirk. "Say it."  
_

_“I’m nothing but a worthless piece of garbage.” Those words Dean could get out just fine, probably because this wasn’t the first time he said them. Hell it probably wasn’t even the millionth. And he didn’t just say them. He thought them. He felt them.  
_

_Dean let himself imagine that he was anywhere else in the world as his dad hovered over him. He pretended that he was at the park with Sammy. Sammy got to run around and be a kid. Dean was smiling watching him. He tried so desperately to imagine it, but he still heard his father removing his belt. He still felt the lashes his dad made to his back. He felt every single one of them until the pain was so unbearable that he just passed out._


	8. Chapter 8

Sam had been quiet the entire time. Dean knew Sam could feel everything he felt that night, that Sam could hear every thought he had. Dean had. He felt every lash, he felt every self-deprecating thought. Hell Dean still felt them. The more Dean thought about it, the more he felt like his life now was all a lie. There was no way his father was dead. This was all just some feverish vision Dean had been having. His internal struggle was cut off by Sam.  


“I broke the vase.” Sam wasn’t looking at Dean. Dean had feared this would happen. Dean knew that if Sam saw how ugly Dean was underneath he would leave. Dean’s chest began to get tight.  


“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Deny, deny, deny.  


“You made me go with the babysitter. You left the mess out in the open. You wanted him to find it. You wanted him to beat you and not me.” Sam’s words sounded angry, but there was tears streaming down his face. Sam’s words didn’t stop there.  


“You said I had to get everything exactly right. You were helping me with my homework, because you thought if I didn’t get everything right he would have a reason to hit me! You didn’t do your own homework because you wanted him to hit you instead!” Sam’s words were getting louder and louder.  


“You didn’t wear dad’s jacket because you wanted to be like him, you wore it because you wanted to cover up what he did to you!” Sam’s words were near hysterical. Dean didn’t know what to do. So much of what he said was true. Dean didn’t want to give away anything else. So he made his face the picture of disinterest. Sam seemed to notice. All the fight in Sam seemed to disappear.  


“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. That’s not what I wanted to say at all. I just….I just had no idea.” Sam looked so broken. Dean felt like breaking inside. He had put up so many walls; he tried his best to give Sam the most normal life he could. Sam may never have gotten a father who went on field trips, or a father who made lunches, but he never had a father who hit him. Dean made damn sure of it.  


Cas had been quiet for the entire time, but he turned towards Dean. “When I remade you, you had scars all over your body. I assumed they were from hunting, but they weren’t were they? They were from…” Cas trailed off waving his arm out toward the scene that was replaying itself over and over again like a bad love song. Cas couldn’t even say the word. Dean figured he had to be disgusted. Dean just crossed his arms over himself, creating a barrier between him and the world. It was a move he had perfected early on.  


“Look what happened, happened. We don’t need to bring up things that don’t matter anymore. I told you guys that you shouldn’t have come here. I told you that I didn’t need your help.” Sam looked at him with tired, sad eyes.  


“Don’t you think you’ve carried enough on your own?” Dean opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it. There was nothing he could say that would magically make it all better. He knew what had to be done, but just thinking about it made him cringe.  


“I have to,” Dean coughed to clear his throat and started over. “I have to stop this so we can go to the next one.” Sam looked shocked.  


“This isn’t your biggest fear?” Dean shook his head. He may bury his feelings under mounds of crap but he was insightful enough to know that there was more to come.  


“Is there anything else you haven’t told me? Maybe you should just tell me now. So we don’t have to go through this all over again. You know you don’t have to protect me Dean. I can take care of myself.” Sam reached out to touch Dean’s arm, but Dean stepped away from it. He watched the pain and rejection that flickered across Sam’s face. A part of him felt bad because he hated hurting Sammy. Another part of him hated that Sam made this about him. Sam just had to be here with Dean. He just had to push. But this happened to him not Sam. And Dean would be damned if he was going to settle for reacting the way he was supposed to, the way Sam wanted him to.  


Cas looked at Dean. Cas’ face was the picture of normalcy. His face made it seem as though nothing had changed, as if nothing was different. It made Dean feel a bit better. If Cas was calm about this, then Dean could be calm about this.  


“I could assist you Dean. That is why Sam and I travelled here.” He shrugged his shoulders as he said it, as if the offer was no big deal. It seemed like such a human gesture. Dean just shook his head.  


“I don’t think that it works that way. I think this is something I have to do on my own.” Dean went to head towards the bed, but Sam called him.  


“Dean. I just want you to know that we’re here for you.” Dean rolled his eyes. Having his own personal cheerleaders wasn’t going to make this any easier. He took one step towards the bed and then another. He kept walking until he was next to his younger self spread out on the bed. His father looked away from young Dean and looked right at him.  


“Stop.” It was the only thing Dean could get out, and even that wasn’t saying much since it was barely audible. His father just threw his head back and laughed. It was the first time any of his memories had spoken to him. Dean was hopping that saying stop would be enough. He should have known better.  


“You think you’re tough boy? You are just as weak as you always were.” His father bit his lip and pulled his arm back. Dean knew that stance. John was getting ready to hit him. Dean could take out djinns, witches, vampires, and a million other supernatural creatures. But in that moment the only thing he could do was protect his face by throwing his arms in front of it. He stood waiting for the inevitable blow.  


It never came. He lowered his arms to get a better look. Cas had grabbed John, one of his hands was around John’s neck and the other hand was holding John’s twisted arm behind his back. It was almost the same position John had put young Dean in.  


Cas breathed onto John’s neck and whispered into his ear. “You are not going to harm Dean anymore. Not while I’m still around. I’m going to make sure you spend the rest of your miserable afterlife in pain. I’m going to make sure that you aren’t able to have peace for a single second. Every second of every day is going to be spent thinking of all the ways I can get to you. Of all the things I can do to you. You will sit there knowing that I can get to you at anytime, anywhere. You’re going to wish you were in hell, because for every blow you ever placed on Dean I’m going to make you feel the pain of a thousand.”  


Cas’ face was nonchalant, if Dean didn’t know any better he would think Cas was talking about the weather. There was something about the steadiness of Cas’ voice that made Dean distinctly aware of the fact that Cas was still an angel. Cas could shrug his shoulders, eat burgers, and drink a beer but he was a warrior above all else. Cas had fought in holy wars. He was lethal. And while Dean was positive that Cas would make good on his threat, he knew it wasn’t worth it. John was dead. There was nothing Dean could do to change John now.  


“Cas,” Dean said gently. Cas was looking at Dean with crazed eyes, like he had forgotten Dean was there. Dean placed his hand on the one Cas had on John’s throat. He gently began to pull Cas’ hand away, trying not to spook him. “It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it.”  


Those words seemed to be the magic words, because the scene in front of them began to fade away. The color kept fading until there was nothing left but a stark white room and a brown wooden door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends. Sorry I'm not as good about updating as I probably should be. I swear I'll try to be better. But I had a ton of things going on. I tried to do more with the Dean/Cas relationship, so let me know what you think.


	9. Chapter 9

“Well you did say there was more,” Sam said the words uncomfortably. He was clearly trying to keep the situation light. He was probably off balance because usually it was Dean who used humor to deflect from something serious. Dean just couldn’t muster up the energy to laugh or make a joke. Dean realized belatedly that he was still holding Cas’ hand, and he quickly dropped it. Cas stared at his hand like he had never seen it before. He blinked up at Dean.

“I apologize Dean I didn’t mean to,” Cas just shook his head at himself. “That’s a lie. I meant everything I did in there. Everything I said.” Dean had wished Cas had caught onto the whole human lying thing. It would have made it a lot easier. 

“Dean,” Sam said. “I know that what we saw in there,” he pointed off to some distant white point, “Was something we weren’t meant to see.” Sam paused, clearly picking his words carefully, “I know you. I know that you think now that I’ve seen it, that I’ll think you are some horrible person. But this isn’t on you it’s on John. You didn’t deserve what he put you through. Everything he said about you is a lie. I want you to know before we walk into whatever the hell is in there that I love you. That after seeing that the only thing I think is that you are the most amazing brother. I think that you have the biggest heart. I think that John stole something from you that you can never get back. And I’m sorry.” 

It was the first time Sam had ever called their father John. Their dad and Sam fought all the time, but Sam always referred to John as dad. A part of Dean was glad that Sam took his side. Another part was sad that Dean couldn’t protect Sam anymore. Dean could no longer feed Sam stories that made their father out to be a hero. Dean had taken both parents away from Sam. He was a monster. Yet another part of Dean, the fucked up part, was upset because it was so easy for Sam to brush off their father. Dean felt like some piece of him would always be connected to John. Some part of Dean would always love their father. Dean knew that part was there and he made no move to try to push that feeling out of his heart. He left it there to poison him. 

Dean could feel his eyes start to water. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to start because it would open the dam and all his feelings would come pouring out. He closed his eyes and headed towards Sammy who seemed to have no problem crying it out. Dean grabbed Sammy and held him like his life depended on it. He wanted this moment to last forever, but he had to finish what he started. Dean removed himself from Sam and nodded towards Sam and Cas. He was as ready as he was ever going to be. 

When they entered the door they found themselves in a bathroom. Dean knew exactly where they were. He knew it was coming but he still froze. He felt the walls crashing in around him. The space felt too small. He felt too big; his skin was the wrong size. He found it hard to get air into his lungs. He started to hyperventilate. He put his hands on his knees and tried to steady his breathing and orient himself. He felt wobbly, he felt like those dreams were you wake up because you think that you’re falling. This was hard for him and the other him wasn’t even here yet. 

“Dean,” Cas said soothingly, while rubbing circles on his back. “Everything is going to be okay.” Cas said it firmly like there was no room for argument. 

“Dean I think you might be having a panic attack.” Sam was talking to him like he was fragile and the smallest thing might send him over the edge. Dean hated feeling weak. 

“Thanks Sammy. I figured that out myself. It should go away in a minute.” Being annoyed at Sam made the feeling lessen. It was messed up, but displacing his feelings was how he coped. If you could call that coping. 

“You sound surprisingly okay with this Dean, it’s almost like you’ve done this before.” Dean remained silent. “You have done this before! You have panic attacks and I had no idea. I’m starting to think that I don’t know anything about you.” It was obvious Sam was kicking himself over not seeing the signs. 

“You never noticed because I didn’t want you to notice. I don’t exactly have the best track record with share and care time.” Dean was starting to feel better. It may or may not have had to do with the hand Cas still had on him. Dean calmed down and not a second later the old him walked into the bathroom. Dean had to hand it to his subconscious the bastard sure had impeccable timing. 

_“Okay Dean you can do this.” He was looking in the mirror. He was pretending that he needed to mentally get himself ready for what he was about to do. But it was a lie. The hard part was not doing this before. He wanted to think that he still had people left. But he didn’t, not anymore._

_He turned the faucet on in the bathtub and climbed in clothes and all. He figured he didn’t have to worry about them anymore. They clung to his skin and he felt heavy. The heavy weight on his body matched the one in his heart. He was just tired. He was old. He had lived a long time for a hunter. Everything was going to be okay. He wanted to cry. Wanted to scream out at the world. Wanted to smash things. He wanted to leave his mark. But he couldn’t do any of those things. When he left this world there wouldn’t be any trace of him left. Poof. And he was gone._

_He picked up the razor he left on the edge of the tub. Thinking of how to do it was the part that took the longest. He thought about a pill and alcohol combo, but that would be too much like someone else he knew. He thought about shooting himself, but he thought of the poor bastard who found him. There would be a mess everywhere. And he didn’t want to be a burden; he was one for way to long. So he settled on a razor. It’s not like it made him uneasy. It wasn’t the first time a razor had pierced his skin. He figured all the blood in the tub could just be drained._

_He knew exactly where to do it. He knew where the major artery was. He knew what to do to make it so they couldn’t revive him. He brought the razor to his skin, loving the way the cool metal felt against his arm. This he had control over. This was something that was all his own. He closed his eyes. He wanted to drift off to sleep and wake up with his mom._

_“Goodnight Dean,” he said to himself._


	10. Chapter 10

_He felt something on his arm. He heard someone crying. No, no, no, no he thought to himself. He wasn’t meant to be saved. He was meant to die. He pushed his eyes open. It felt like they were crusted together. He glanced over and saw Bobby._

_“Bobby,” he croaked out. Bobby ignored him. Bobby just kept pushing down on the towel he had on Dean’s arm._

_“Dammit Dean. I thought you swore to me that this would never happen again. You swore you were okay. You looked me in the eye and you promised.” Bobby was crying massive ugly tears. Dean had never seen him cry like that before._

_“Don’t worry Bobby everything is going to be okay now.” Dean went to reach for him but his arm was too heavy to lift. He felt cold. And exhausted._

_“Why would you do this?” Bobby looked pleadingly into Dean’s eyes. Dean closed his eyes. They needed to take a little break._

_“They left me Bobby. They left me like everyone else leaves me.”_

_“Who left you?”_

_“Sammy and Cas. I need them Bobby. Without them I feel like one of my limbs is missing. Like I’m not whole.”_

_“Dean you absolute idjit. They didn’t leave you.”_

_“Yes they did. They left-” Dean paused since his chest was starting to hurt. “They left because I’m just like him.” Dean began to cry and he couldn’t stop._

Dean couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle the smell of blood. He couldn’t handle Bobby’s tears. He couldn’t handle his own tears. He couldn’t handle hearing his deepest darkest secret, that one day he would be just like his father. Dean wanted to run away, but there was nowhere to go. He did the next best thing. He turned towards the toilet and threw up what felt like everything he ever ate. 

Sam and Cas stood where they were. They let him finish throwing up. They let him head over to the sink and rinse his mouth out with water. They both seemed to understand that he needed a minute. But a minute was all he got. 

“Dean I never realized that me being gone would hurt you this much. If I knew, I would have come back. Soulless or otherwise I still love you. And I want you to know that you aren’t like John at all. You are a hundred times the man he was. And you are the only father I ever had.” Sam looked ready to spend the next however long saying all kinds of great things about Dean. Dean just wasn’t in the mood to hear them. 

“Dean there is no excuse for me. I am an angel of the lord. I should have been watching over you. I should have been protecting you. You are my charge and I have failed you.” Cas’ face crumbled. 

Dean knew that they meant well. He appreciated how fast they jumped on the “I love Dean and I want the best for him” train, but there was no going back to this moment. He needed to move forward. He had to move past this. And he couldn’t do that if they both were holding onto their guilt. 

“Look guys. I’m okay now.” Neither one of them looked convinced. “Well I’m working on being okay. I haven’t even thought about doing that again since you guys have been back.” Dean couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He might never be able to. 

Dean was only a few feet away from himself in the bathtub. But those few feet felt like a mile. He felt like if he took a step he would just keep getting farther and farther away. It felt like he would never be able to reach out to himself. He would never be able to assure himself that hitting rock bottom didn’t mean that you were out. That as cheesy as it sounds, there is nowhere but up from here. 

He knew exactly what he was meant to do. Seeing Cas and Sam by his side, even after all the ugly things they’ve seen, made him feel like he could do anything. Dean took five steps towards the tube. Five steps was all it took. He knelt down towards Bobby. 

“I can take over from here.” Bobby looked up and disappeared. It hurt Dean to see him gone. To see the only father figure he ever had leave once again. But he knew that Bobby was watching from heaven and was probably cursing his name. Bobby was probably thinking Dean was an idjit, because Bobby would never leave him. The thought brought a ghost of a smile to Dean’s face. 

Dean took the towel that Bobby had been holding and applied pressure. He looked the other him right in the eye. “It’s okay you know. It’s okay to not be okay right now. But you will be. It won’t be for a while in your world, but you’ll get there. One day you’ll wake up and realize you want to live. And I hope that both of us one day will think that everything John said about us was crap.” If Dean had any tears left he thinks he would be crying. Instead he was calm. Other him seemed to be pretty calm too. Maybe for now just being calm was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit shorter and I apologize for that. I swear that after this chapter there will be more Cas/Dean moments, I realize that up until now it has been pretty Dean-centric. But I really want to hash out his story. So thanks to everyone who stuck around thus far.


	11. Chapter 11

When Dean woke up again, he wasn’t in some strange hotel room or some brightly lit classroom, and he wasn’t in some dingy bathroom. He was in the bunker. After so many days of being away, the feeling of his memory foam mattress felt heavenly. He sat up in his bed and noticed Sam and Cas still passed out on two arm chairs. They were going to be up any minute, and Dean mentally prepared himself for the talks they were going to have about his memories. The many talks they were going to have. 

Sam was the first one to wake up. He rolled his neck around and stretched his arms out. Dean could feel for the guy. Sitting in that arm chair for however long could not be comfortable. 

“Dean you’re awake,” Sam said looking pleased. 

“Thanks for stating the obvious Sherlock.” Sam looked conflicted. Dean was sure he was trying to figure out if Dean resorting back to his old self was a good thing or a bad thing. Sam seemed to still having the internal debate with himself when Cas moved in his chair. 

While Sam took time to wake up and adjust to sleeping in a chair, Cas seemed to have no problem with the state he was in. One minute he was asleep and the next minute he was awake. His clothes didn’t show any signs of wrinkles. Dean figured it was one of the perks of being an angel. 

“Dean you’re awake.” Dean was getting tired of this game pretty quickly. 

“Yeah Cas I’m up.” 

“How are you feeling? Should I use my grace? Are you experiencing any physical symptoms?” Dean shook his head. Physically he was fine. Mentally he felt like he had been put through the wringer. 

“Are you tired Dean? Hungry? I could make burgers?” Sam was clearly trying not to be a mother hen, but he was failing miserably. 

“Nah Sammy I’m good as new.” Dean tried for a smile. He hoped his face was somewhat close. 

“Cas, me and Dean are going out we’ll be back in a little while.” Sam said it definitively; he didn’t give Dean the option to say no. It was smart on his part, because Dean would have said no if he was given an option. “Dean grab your keys and meet me in the car. I just need to grab a jacket.” Sam went off to his room leaving Cas and Dean alone. 

“I know it is important for you to speak with your brother. I would also like to have a chat with you if that’s okay?” That’s one of the things Dean loved about Cas. The guy never made Dean do anything he didn’t want to, and he never forced him to admit his feelings. 

“Yeah. I mean I guess. Do you mean right now?” Cas shook his head. 

“No there is something I have to attend to right now but tomorrow I will be back,” Cas wasn’t looking at Dean when he said it. That struck Dean as odd since Cas never seemed to have a problem with eye contact. 

“You’re not going to stay in the bunker tonight?” Dean hadn’t meant to say that. He was aiming for nonchalant, and he missed it by a long shot. He didn’t mean to give any indication that he needed Cas in any way. He didn’t want to admit that it bothered him endlessly that Cas had a life outside of them. Cas was an angel of the lord for crying out loud of course he had better things to do than sit around and play house with two lowly humans. Cas seemed to understand what Dean was really asking. 

“The business I have to take care of is somewhere else. It doesn’t mean I won’t be back. Tomorrow we can talk and perhaps get breakfast.” It sounded too close to something like a confession to Dean. It sounded too close to a date. 

“Cas you don’t even need to eat.” 

“Dean you spent so long taking care of everyone else. I thought it would be nice if for a change someone took care of you.” Dean felt his mouth hanging open. He was probably making an ugly face but he couldn’t help it. Cas was just so open with his feelings. Dean could feel himself getting warmer. He figured the best response was no response. 

“I actually,” Dean coughed. “I better go meet Sammy he’s probably waiting on me.” 

“That’s probably best.” Cas was giving him another out. Dean wondered how long Cas would let him skirt his feelings. 

When Dean got to the impala, Sam wasn’t there yet. He put on AC/DC and closed his eyes to wait. He felt like he was in the dreamscape for a year. Being out, being in Baby, felt weird. He kept waiting for himself to be dropped back into some other nightmare. He opened his eyes when he heard Sam slide into the passenger seat. 

“Any destination in mind Sammy?” Dean could do this. He could act like this was any other day. 

“Nope, just drive.” So Dean did. He let himself get lost on the open road. He loved driving. Sure it was necessary for his line of work, but he genuinely enjoyed the peace and quiet and the ability to go anywhere. Running away was something he was good at. 

They had been driving for two hours when Dean decided to take a break. He needed to use a restroom and stock up on car food for the ride back. When he slid back into his seat from the gas station, Sam spoke. 

“You know Dean I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened in your dreamscape. I’ve been thinking back a lot over our lives and I’m starting to realize that I probably have a totally different take on our memories than you do. I wanted to know if you would tell me the truth about what really happened when we were kids.” 

It was too late now to hide anything from Sam. He figured he might as well tell him the truth. “Yeah go ahead.” 

“When did he start hitting you?” Sam said it slowly like it would somehow make it sting less. It didn’t. 

“I was six. You kept crying. He hated crying. I remember that his face didn’t look right. It was pinched and scrunched up. He used to throw drinks, or punch walls. But that day his angry face was directed at you. I panicked. I took the marker I was coloring with, and I drew all over the tv. He was so mad. He slapped me right across the face. You were smart enough to stop crying after that. I thought it would never happen again….. but then it did…” Dean’s words trailed off. He tried to tell the story quick like he was ripping off a Band-Aid, but it didn’t help. 

“When was the last time?” This wasn’t a question that Dean wanted to answer. Answering this one would make Sam feel all kinds of guilty. Dean thought about lying, but a part of him knew it wasn’t healthy keeping all of it in. 

“Ummm… it was. It was right before you left for Stanford.” Sam’s face fell. 

“I figured it was because of me. At the time I didn’t think about what would happen to you when I left. I just wanted out so bad. He used to treat me like a baby and he used to yell at me all the time. Now I think that if I could go back I would have put up with all of that. I would have never left you all alone.” Sam looked at Dean pleadingly. It was like Sam wanted Dean to be mad at him. Like Sam wanted Dean to blame him. 

“I didn’t need you to look after me Sammy. One day he was going to decide that hitting me wasn’t enough. He was going to go after one day. And I would have rather died than let that happen,” Dean said sternly. 

“I know you would. You were always the better brother. You always had my back even when I was being selfish.” 

“You were meant to be selfish Sam.” Dean let out a hallow laugh. “You were just a kid. You were meant to fall in love and have a soccer team full of kids. You were meant to have a normal life!” Dean’s words came out harsh and angry. He was angry at the whole world. 

“You were supposed to be a kid too Dean,” Sam whispered. 

“Hey I did my time. I had t-ball, and a teddy bear to sleep with. There’s no need to weep for me.” 

“What was it like?” Dean had no idea what he was talking about. Sam must have picked up on his confusion because he continued, “I mean what was it like when mom was around?” Sam began to wring his hands together. He knew that Dean avoided talking about their mom if he could help it. Dean sighed, not sure what to say. 

“Things,” he started, “Weren’t perfect. They would fight. Mom cried all the time. But they both were happy at times. I guess we were just your average family.” Dean turned down a random road just to have something to do besides drive mindlessly forward. So much time passed, that Dean thought Sam was done with his questions. But then he mumbled something. 

“Until I came around that is.” 

“Hey Sam you can’t blame yourself here. We can’t go down that road. There is so much blame to go around. The angels set our parents up for some divine purpose, mom did a deal with yellow eyes, yellow eyes killed mom, dad was you know dad. We could sit here all day and think about who was to blame and not get anywhere. Maybe God is a just a giant dick with a terrible sense of humor.” 

“I guess.” Sam claimed that he wasn’t going to blame himself anymore, but Dean knew he still would. Winchesters had a way of blaming themselves for things that weren’t even remotely their fault. Dean was still half convinced he was the reason dinosaurs weren’t around anymore. 

“Dean, when we were in your last memory. Bobby said ‘Not again’. What did he mean? Did you try to….you know… before?” Sam didn’t specify what he meant, but Dean knew what he was talking about. Usually Dean would play dumb and act like he didn’t have any idea what Sam was talking about but part of him was sick of the lies. 

“Yes I tried it before. It was just once.” Dean made another turn. He tried not to look at Sam. Not even from the corner of his eye. 

“When did it happen?” Sam asked him tentatively. Sam clearly wanted an answer but this one he wouldn’t force. 

“It was when you went away to school.” That was really all Sam asked for, but Dean felt the need to clarify. “I knew you were leaving. I let you think it came as some big surprise to me. But you needed all kinds of information for your applications. I saw you snooping all over the place for your social security card. I put two and two together. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for me to leave. If you were out then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything happening to you. I applied to a school. I picked out an apartment. I wanted to make sure that you were good and out before I left. But I saw the way he reacted when you drove off. You were his golden child. He wanted a hold over someone. If I left he would have looked for you. So I stayed. I stayed and tried to play the good little soldier. But it wasn’t enough.” Dean tried to discretely wipe away a stray tear. “One night he came home angry as all hell. He said it should have been me that left not you. He said I wasn’t even a good grunt. He beat the shit out of me. Then he left. Everyone left. I didn’t know what else to do. I got in my car and I drove and I drove and I drove. And I drove right into a tree. They called him to come get me, but he wouldn’t. So they called Bobby. That’s why Bobby and him had a falling out.” It was the only time Dean had ever told anyone that story. Part of him felt freer. The other part wanted to push it all back in. 

Sam was staring out the window the entirety of Dean’s speech. He turned back toward Dean. “I thought this whole time that you wanted to be just like him. I thought you listened to everything he said because you wanted to be a perfect little soldier. I never considered you had no other option but to listen.” 

“Look it’s over now. I think you’re just upset now because it’s fresh to you. I’m old now. He’s gone. I’m not going to let him get to me from the grave.” Dean tried to say the last part like it was the truth. It sounded false even to his own ears. 

“I think you should think about talking to someone.” Dean shot him a look. “I’m serious. I think it would be good for you to get some closure. Take some time to think it over. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Just promise you’ll think about it.” 

“I promise I’ll think about it.” Dean was never good at saying no to Sam.


	12. Chapter 12

Right before they walked into the bunker Sam stopped Dean. “Where were you going to go?” 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked confused. 

“What school did you get into?” Dean was embarrassed. He thought this conversation was over already. 

“Jghagng,” Dean muttered complete bullshit hoping Sam would let it go. 

“Sorry could you repeat that?” Sam was such a little shit sometimes. 

“I said John Hopkins.” Dean tried to aim for nonchalant, but he missed it totally. A little piece of him that he thought was gone was still proud. 

“John Hopkins,” Sam repeated. 

“Yeah Dr. Sexy isn’t just a hobby. I really wanted to go to medical school at one point.” Dean was a little offended that Sam didn’t think he could have gotten into a pre-med program. 

“Medical school,” Sam said as his eyes widened and his mouth opened. Dean had been offended at first, but now he was kind of proud that he could still surprise Sam. The kid thought he knew everything. 

“Are you just going to parrot whatever I say?” Dean said smirking. Sam shook his head. He was clearly trying to wrap his head around this. 

“That’s a good school.” Sam shook his head again. “It’s not a good school, it’s a great school. It’s one of the top schools. I had no idea that you even were that into school. I always knew you were smart. But I don’t know I just never realized you were that dedicated to school.” He paused, looking at Dean like he may have offended him. Dean just shrugged; he never tried to come across as a nerd. That was Sam’s thing. Sam seemed to consider something. 

“But I guess you didn’t have time to dedicate to school. Protecting me was kind of a full time job huh?” Sam laughed, but it came out sounding flat. 

“Hey, I don’t regret it at all Sam,” Dean said as he patted Sam’s arm in what he hopped was a comforting manner. “Letting you go to school made it all worth it. Besides, if I went to med school, then I would have to be the smart brother. And clearly you’re the nerd of the two of us.” Dean looked at Sam smiling. It was the first time the smile felt real. 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Shut up jerk.” Dean just laughed. 

**************************************************************************** 

When Dean woke up, he could feel someone staring at him. The bunker was meant to be safe, but you never know. He slowly slid his hand under the pillow to grab his knife. 

“Oh good you’re awake Dean.” Cas. Of course. The guy had no concept of personal space. Dean sat up and rubbed his eyes. 

“What are you doing in here Cas?” He glanced at his clock. “It’s three in the morning and I’m tired.” 

“My apologies. I was in the living room speaking with Sam and I told him I was meant to talk you this morning. He said it would be okay for me to come into your room.” 

“Of course he did.” Cas looked distressed. 

“Was that not the case? Should I come back later?” Dean slid down the headboard, closing his eyes. He wanted to sleep but Cas was here. He really didn’t want Cas to leave again. He thought of a compromise, but it made him blush. He kept his eyes closed, and mustered all the courage he could. He didn’t like rejection. And he knew he would hate rejection from Cas. But he had to try. 

“You could stay here if you want. Until I get up I mean.” Dean tried to play it off like it was no big deal that he asked. But it was a very big deal to him, and he was sure his face betrayed that. 

“I don’t require sleep. And there is only one bed.” Dean blushed harder. If this went on for much longer he might just die from embarrassment. Dean opened his eyes and tried to look Cas in the eye. His gaze landed somewhere over Cas’ forehead, but Dean figured he was close enough. 

“I mean you could stay in my bed. With me,” Dean clarified. “You know just so you would have somewhere to go. Unless now you want to go back to the living room. I mean Sam’s not up, but I’m sure that you could find something to do out there. I mean we have a lot of books that you might enjoy-” Dean could feel the word vomit starting to come out again. And there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

“Yes.” Dean paused. He had spewed so much crap that he didn’t have any idea what Cas was saying yes to. He was afraid to ask. 

“Yes…what?” Dean said tentatively. 

“Yes I would like to stay here with you Dean.” Cas sounded so sure. Dean wished he had that kind of confidence. 

“Oh…ummmm…good.” The idea sounded good in theory, but now that it was being put into practice Dean had no idea what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t much of a cuddler. The only time he had shared a bed was when Sammy was little and he had nightmares, and right after he had sex. Even then, he tended to leave right when he was sure they were asleep. He never shared a bed with someone with the intent to sleep. Cas seemed to have no such problems with the situation. He slid right into bed with Dean, leaving a respectful distance between the two of them. 

“Sleep Dean I will watch over you.” Dean tried to get comfortable. He really did. But Cas being this close to him was doing things to him. He felt hot and cold at the same time. The blankets felt like they were smothering him. He wasn’t comfortable on his back, but if he moved he wasn’t sure how Cas would take it. 

“You think so loudly.” Dean blushed. “May I?” Cas leaned towards Dean. Dean had no idea what he was asking, but he nodded his head dumbly. He would have agreed to whatever Cas asked. Apparently Cas was asking to use his grace to put Dean to sleep, because not even a minute later Dean was in the most peaceful sleep he ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. I apologize if there is any grammar mistakes here. I really try to proofread a million and a half times, but I'm posting after a long day. Also anyone else think that secretly Dean is really smart? I mean he's always quoting old texts, and he seems to have infinite hunting knowledge. Maybe I'm just really pro-Dean. As always feel free to share your thoughts. (Side note I chose John Hopkins because that's where the fictional character House went. Go House!)


	13. Chapter 13

Dean woke up feeling refreshed. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept this well and even longer since sleep didn’t require alcohol. God, he was a mess. He looked over at the clock and saw that it nearly lunch time. He had to talk with Cas about putting him in basically a mini-coma. At the thought of Cas, Dean realized he was meant to be in bed with him. Their conversation from the night before came flooding back to him and he was afraid of where they went from here. Platonic sleeping was intimate. Some might even argue that it is more intimate than sex. 

The thought of sex made Dean blush, which was stupid because he was hardly a virgin. He figured all this time in his own head was counterproductive and he was better off just talking to Cas, who had to have realized at this point that he was up. 

Dean turned over, and went cold. The other side of the bed was empty. And it was still made up, like Cas hadn’t laid there at all. Dean didn’t want to feel the crippling disappointment he was feeling. It was stupid. This was not what he was meant to be dwelling on. He needed to be getting back in shape for hunting, not worrying about where angels spent their time. Just as Dean began to berate himself for his stupidity, his door was opened by none other than Cas himself. 

Dean tried to look like he hadn’t spent the last ten minutes contemplating moving to a city where he wouldn’t have to face Cas’ rejection. Mostly, he thinks his face just ended up looking like he was constipated. While Dean was focusing on schooling his face into a somewhat normal expression, Cas seemed focused on a tray of stuff he was carrying, he didn’t even seem to notice at first that Dean was awake. Cas just walked over and set the tray down on the dresser across from Dean. 

Dean cleared his throat. “Uh…good morning Cas.” Cas startled and whirled around towards the bed. So he definitely hadn’t noticed Dean then. 

“Dean I didn’t realize you were up, you aren’t meant to be up.” Dean frowned. “I mean I put you to sleep for longer.” Cas seemed to realize what he was saying sounded a little crazy. “Sorry. I meant that when I used my grace I believed you would be asleep for longer. I used a great deal of it, so you could rest properly.” 

“Should you be wasting your grace that way?” Cas looked at Dean like he said something extremely stupid. 

“It is not a waste,” Cas said sternly. “It was important for you to rest. You have saved this world more than once Dean Winchester. I think more angels should be as you say “wasting” their grace on you. You are not a waste Dean.” Dean felt himself get warm. This feelings confession was happening too early in the morning for him. And it was making him all kinds of confused, because Cas was saying all these nice things but he still left Dean last night. Cas seemed to sense what Dean was thinking. 

“I did sleep here last night.” Cas turned around back toward the tray. “But I got up early this morning to make the bed and make this for you.” Cas carried the tray over to set over Dean’s lap. It was covered in food. Dean raised his eyebrows. Cas looked sheepish. 

“Okay maybe Sam helped a little with breakfast, but the bed was all me.” Cas looked proud of himself. The guy had once controlled heaven, and he was proud that he could properly fold the corners on a bed. 

“Thank you for the breakfast it looks great, but why did you make my bed?” 

“Well, it also seemed important to you that your room be clean. Your bed is always made perfectly. I thought it would please you to have it the way you like it.” Cas looked unsure. Dean hated that he caused Cas to doubt himself. If it were up to Dean, he would erase that look from Cas forever. 

“That’s. That’s really thoughtful of you Cas, thanks.” Dean felt the need to explain himself, even if it meant he would have to talk about his feelings. Damn he was so gone for Cas. 

“It’s just that I thought you know… that you had left…,” Dean’s words trailed off. Dean couldn’t look Cas in the eye. 

“Dean,” said Cas softly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did to make you think I would leave you. But I never would. And if I had to leave I would tell you first. The bunker is my home now.” Cas said it was such conviction that Dean wanted to believe it. He desperately wanted to believe it. 

Dean looked up at Cas, trying to gather his strength. “I know it’s stupid and fucked up, but knowing that you have another life gets to me. Like I know that you care about us and everything, but you can go whenever you want. And yesterday you went somewhere and didn’t even tell me where you were going. And I know you don’t have to report to me or anything, it’s just,” Dean shrugged. “It’s just that I don’t want to go back to when you and Sammy weren’t in my life.” Cas looked pained by Dean’s confession. 

“Dean I meant what I said when I said the bunker was my home. You are Sam mean a great deal to me, you both are my family. And even if I had something outside of you guys, I wouldn’t leave you because of it. I’m sorry that last time I left I hurt you. I honestly thought I was helping.” Cas was the one who had trouble making eye contact now. “I always end up hurting you don’t I?” 

Dean reached his hand over the tray, “No Cas that’s not what I meant.” Cas waved off his hand. 

“Can I just take this tray back for a minute?” Dean nodded his head. Cas walked over to set the tray back on the dresser. When Cas walked back towards Dean, he paused at the edge of the bed where Dean was laying. 

“Can you do me a favor?” Dean nodded. “I need to you scoot over and lay down.” Dean did what he was told. Cas laid down next to him. 

“And I need you to trust me, can you do that?” Dean nodded his head again. Dean trusted Cas with his life. Cas reached for Dean’s hand and held it between them. Dean took a deep breath. This felt like the beginning of a talk. Dean turned his head toward Cas and saw that his eyes were closed. 

“Dean I may have done a bad thing last night.” Cas didn’t say anything else. Cas seemed to be scared of what Dean might say, and he kept his eyes firmly closed. Dean squeezed Cas’ hand in reassurance. 

“I mean I don’t think it was bad. But you might be upset with me. The thing is that after last night, I was just so angry.” Dean felt himself getting cold, and he tried to remove his hand from Cas’ hand. Cas just held on tighter. 

“I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at the world. I was mad at father for letting this happen to you. I was mad at myself for letting it happen to you. I was mad at John for doing it to you. I was so mad at John. So I called up Crowley.” Dean was confused. None of this was making any sense to him. 

“I called up Crowley and told him that I was going to bring a soul to him, a soul that had once been in heaven.” Cas took a deep breath and began speaking quickly. “I know that you might not have wanted Crowley to know, but I had to tell him. As crazy as it seems, the two of you are…friends. Even though it pains me to admit it. He cares about you in that messed up way of his. He acted like he doesn’t, and he acts like he just wanted a new soul to torture but I saw the anger in his eyes. You made the King of Hell feel. So I snuck my way into heaven. I’m not technically allowed there anymore. And I went in and I grabbed John. He didn’t deserve to be there you know. He didn’t deserve to be happy for even a second.” Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean. Dean was still. He didn’t know what to feel. Cas had gone through so much for him. 

“Cas,” Dean croaked out his emotions getting the best of him, “You didn’t need to do that.” Cas’ face looked fierce. 

“I did need to do that. We all failed you. It was time to make it right. I grabbed him and dragged him along. He kept apologizing.” Cas looked over to see how Dean felt about that admission. Dean mostly felt numb. All he ever wanted was an apology, but he knew it was too late for it to matter. And Dean wasn’t sure his dad was giving one for the right reasons. Cas kept going. 

“I brought him to hell, and Crowley said he would see to him personally.” Dean remained silent. 

“I know this doesn’t change anything Dean, and I know that you didn’t ask me to do it. But it was the right thing to do. He would have poisoned heaven. The air around him felt…wrong. Like heaven knew he wasn’t supposed to be there.” That was the part that got to Dean. Some fucked up part of him thought that since his dad went to heaven, he must have been justified in what he did to Dean. Dean didn’t even realize that he was carrying that weight until Cas lifted it. Dean laid there for a while going over what just happened, before Cas spoke up again. 

“Dean there was one more thing, if you’re ready to hear it?” Dean just nodded. He could probably deal with just about anything at this point. 

“When I was in heaven, I saw your mom.” Dean sat up quickly. His heart starting beating wildly. 

“What did she say?” Dean felt like he was four years old again, waiting for his mom to come tuck him in at night and make everything better and to chase all the monsters away. 

“She wanted me to tell you that she was sorry that she couldn’t protect you. She was sorry that she had to leave and that she loves you and Sam very much. She never knew what John was capable of and she’s sorry that she didn’t leave him and all she ever wanted was for you to have a normal life. She said that John didn’t deserve to be in heaven and that you are worth more than he ever gave you credit for.” Dean could feel the steady stream of tears down his face. 

“She also wanted me to give you this.” Cas leaned over and gave Dean a hug. Dean gripped Cas’ shirt and hugged him for what felt like hours. Dean finally stopped crying and Cas spoke into his neck. 

“There was one last thing she wanted me to do.” 

“What was it?” Dean looked into Cas’ eyes. 

Cas looked at Dean and his eyes seemed to travel down to Dean’s lips. Dean didn’t have time to register the look before Cas was surging forward to kiss Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a side note about the bed thing, I noticed on the show that Dean always has his bed made. I think it's because John on the show used to be in the military and taught the boys how to make their beds up with perfect corners because they were meant to be perfect little soldiers as well? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I feel like now you guys are getting too much of my thoughts on the show and not enough story. Sorry. But as always leave your thoughts and comments and let me know what you think about show Dean/John relationship.


	14. Chapter 14

Their kiss was wet from Dean’s tears and it was sloppy and uncoordinated, but Dean loved it. Dean wanted it to go on forever, but he couldn’t help the laugh that tumbled out. Dean separated himself from Cas and looked him in the eyes. 

“You mean to tell me that my mom told you to kiss me like you were getting graded on it?” Dean raised his eyebrows, smirking at Cas. Cas seemed to blush, which was quite a feat because Dean wasn’t sure that angels could blush. 

“That may not have been exactly what she told me, but I may have inferred it.” 

“I never thought I would see the day when good solider boy Cas didn’t follow orders exactly.” 

“Well you seemed to enjoy it.” Dean was definitely blushing. Cas mostly just looked proud of himself. The smug idiot. 

“If that’s not what she told you exactly what did she say?” Dean tried to make the question sound bored, but he wanted to know every word that his mother had said. He wanted to hear them and keep them forever. 

“She said that it was obvious how I felt about you. She told me to show you how I felt about you, even if I needed to make a giant sign. You are as she says ‘smart but also the most oblivious person to walk this planet.’ The fact that Cas used air quotes correctly, was the most surprising thing about Cas’ retelling of the encounter. Dean wasn’t shocked that his mom knew about him and Cas. She knew everything. 

“So you figured that kissing was the same as making a sign?” Dean knew he was being a smartass, but he that was his personality and he wasn’t going to change just because him and Cas were whatever they were. 

“I didn’t want to hurt your brain reading over such big words.” Cas said it in a deadpan voice. Dean couldn’t help breaking into a smile. The Cas he used to know never understood his sense of humor and he never got sarcasm. Dean liked to think that he was rubbing off on him. 

“But if you did make a sign what would it say?” Dean thought he knew where this was going, but he couldn’t be sure. He had a bad track record with caring about people and he didn’t want Cas to be another Lisa or Cassie. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, the feelings my mom said you should make clear to me, what kinds of feelings are those?” This had to be the hardest conversation Dean ever had. He was actually starting to wish he could go back to when he was fumbling to ask Cas to sleep with him. Next to him. Whatever. 

Cas looked Dean right in the eye. “Dean Winchester, I Castiel Angel of the Lord, am in human love with you.” 

Dean felt all the air rush out of his lungs. This was the confession that he wanted to hear, but now that he did he wasn’t sure how to respond. Did he feel strongly about Cas? Yes. Did he miss him when he was gone? Yes. Did he want to take him with wherever Dean went? Yes. But knowing all that logically and saying it were to different things. Dean could hear blood rushing through his ears. Cas may or may not have been trying to talk to him judging by his facial expression, but at this point Dean might not have heard a tornado go through the bunker. 

“Dean?” Dean tried to calm his inner panic. 

Dean couldn’t use words to express how he felt. Maybe it had to do with his dad, or maybe it was just his own fucked up problem but saying I love you was really hard for him. He held those words close to his chest. So Dean did the only thing he could do. He lunged for Cas. 

Dean gripped Cas’ face tightly and when his lips met Cas’ he licked them to get them to open. Cas was stiff as a board. Cas’ arms hung limply from his sides, and that wasn’t going to do it for Dean. Dean needed him to do something. Push back. Push him off. Something. 

Dean never tried to kiss someone and comfort them at the same time, but he thought he was pulling it off. He was licking his way into Cas’ mouth trying to coax Cas to kiss him back. His hands started to wander from Cas’ face down his sides. When Dean reached Cas’ hips there was an exposed portion of skin. Dean used his thumb to rub slow circles on Cas’ skin progressively going lower and lower, his touches becoming feather-light. He must have reached a sensitive area of skin, because Cas threw his head back and moaned. Dean used the opportunity to mouth his way down Cas’ throat. Dean blew a light puff of air against Cas’ throat and he could feel Cas break out into goosebumps. 

Cas kept making these quiet needy little sounds like he was trying to keep them in. But Dean didn’t want Cas to be quiet. Dean wanted Cas to be loud. Dean wanted to coax out sounds from Cas that Cas wasn’t even aware he was capable of making. Dean bit down softly on Cas’ throat, causing Cas to yelp. Dean licked the abused skin in a soothing manner. Cas seemed to no longer have control over his hands, because he began raking his nails down Dean’s back. But there was a shirt getting in the way. They were both two clothed for this, Dean decided. He was going to make it his personal mission to make sure Cas never wore clothes. It was his bunker, he could make it law. Sam be damned. 

Dean worked Cas’ shirt over his head, and pushed him back on the bed. Dean scrambled his way up towards Cas. Usually Dean had more finesse. Usually Dean was a pro at this. But something about Cas made Dean feel almost, nervous. Dean placed his knees on the side of Cas’ hips and sat over him. Dean quickly removed and tossed his own shirt in a random direction. Dean tried to lean down to go back kissing, but Cas gripped him and held him at arm’s length. 

Cas seemed to just be staring at him. Cas was running his hands up and down Dean’s sides and seemed to be taking it all in. Dean was confident about his body, but he didn’t like the way Cas was looking at him like he was under a microscope. Dean coughed. 

Cas came out from his trance. “Sorry, Sorry. You’re just so beautiful.” Dean felt warmth spread down his chest. He had been called a lot of things in his lifetime, but beautiful wasn’t one of them. 

Dean mouthed and nipped his way down Cas’ chest. Cas’ body was a work of art. He might not have had as many muscles as Dean had, but he was lean. His hipbones were ridiculous, and they were doing things to Dean. Dean had the urge to lick every part of Cas’ body and lay a claim over every inch. And he would. Just not today. Today Dean needed Cas’ clothes off, off, off. 

Dean slid in between Cas’ legs and pulled his pants off. Dean began to mouth at Cas through his boxers. Cas let out a moan that made Dean painfully hard. Cas’ hands flew out and landed on Dean’s shoulders. Cas didn’t push Dean to do more. Cas might be the most polite blowjob recipient in history. 

Cas’ arms remained on Dean’s shoulders as Dean pulled Cas’ boxers down. Dean hadn’t done more than given Cas’ dick a few kitten licks before Cas was hauling Dean up towards him for a kiss. Cas was breathing heavy, and his eyes were blown wide and had darkened. 

“Dean I’m not going to last long if you keep going at this rate.” Cas’ words were breathy. They just made the strain in Dean’s pants worse. 

“The point is to get you off Cas.” Cas laughed. It might have been the best sound Dean ever heard in his life. The next time they did this, Dean was going to try to make Cas laugh as much as possible. 

“I meant I want you inside of me.” Cas was kissing Dean all over his face, but Dean couldn’t feel it. Dean might in fact be dead. So many had tried, and all it took was Cas talking dirty for him to die. 

Cas laughed again. “I’ll take that as a yes. Do you have supplies?” 

If anyone asked, Dean had gracefully rolled off the bed to grab lube and a condom. And he seductively took off his pants and boxers. In reality, he almost hit his head on the side table and he almost tripped over his pants in a haste to climb up back by Cas. 

“Are you sure about this?” Dean was ready to go no problem. But even though he was achingly hard he would take a cold shower if Cas wasn’t ready. When Dean started this all he was looking for was a steamy make out. This was definitely better than just a steamy make out, but damn if Cas wasn’t important to him and he wanted to get this right. 

“Yes, yes, yes. Just do it.” Dean didn’t need to be told again. 

Dean lubed up a finger and pushed in. Cas was tight. Really tight. Dean was scared he was going to hurt him. 

Cas didn’t seem to be having the same hesitation. “More, more, more.” It was like a chant. 

So Dean gave him more. Dean had three fingers in curled so that they were hitting Cas’ prostate again and again. Cas kept making these sounds that could have been Dean’s name, but they sounded like a prayer. 

Dean slid his fingers out and wiped them on the bedsheets. He would worry about it later. Right now he needed to be inside Cas. He reached for the packet, but his fingers were still slick from the lube and he kept fumbling. 

Cas sat up on his elbows and looked at Dean. “The great Dean Winchester can’t open a condom. And here I was thinking that you are a sex god.” 

“Shut up.” Cas stuck out his hand and Dean put the foil into his palm. Cas took the foil and ripped it open with his teeth. 

Dean groaned. “You did that on purpose.” 

Cas shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.” Dean wanted to hate this new side of Cas but he was having trouble finding it as anything other than ridiculously hot. 

Dean rolled the condom on, and pushed in. Cas fell from his position on his elbows with a small ‘oof.’ Dean was oddly satisfied. 

Dean intended to take it slow. Make it last. But he was aching, and he felt like he had something to prove. He pulled out fully and then hurriedly pushed back in. His thrusts were relentless. 

Dean wrapped Cas’ legs around him for a better angle. The new angle made a string of curses come out of Cas’ mouth. Dean was proud that he inspired such colorful language. 

Cas gripped the sheets tightly, and his back arched up from the bed. Dean had the urge to bite at his hipbones. That seemed to be the tipping point for Cas, because he let go. 

It was the most beautiful sight that Dean had ever seen. Cas had his eyes scrunched tight, but at that moment his eyes flew open. Cas’ grip on the sheets got tighter, and he screamed out Dean’s name. Then it was like someone cut out the strings from under him, because he collapsed in a heap onto the bed. 

Dean gave one final thrust, and followed Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed my first attempt at smut. Sorry if it's horrible. Since I'm going to be busy for the next however long, my updates may not come as quickly as they have been. But don't worry we are nearing the end. This week's comment question: Do you think Dean/Cas will ever be canon? Feel free to share your thoughts. And another big thank you to everyone who has stuck with me this far.


	15. Chapter 15

Dean was panting. He was out of shape and sex with Cas was athletic to say the least. Cas didn’t seem to be having the same problem. Cas was glowing definitely, but he also looked like he would be ready to go again at any moment. The angel winged bastard. 

Cas took a deep breath. “Not that I didn’t enjoy that Dean, but what brought that on? I wasn’t even sure that you were comfortable with the whole,” Cas gestured down toward his naked body “Male vessel thing.” 

“Sex is cool with me in any form. And the sex was brought on by the fact that you are ridiculously attractive and I wanted you to know that.” Dean turned towards his side to look at Cas. Dean knew he was grinning like an idiot, but for once he was happy. Really happy. 

Cas didn’t seem to share his happiness, because his face was perfectly neutral like he was trying too hard to be nonchalant. “So the sex had nothing to do with what I confessed right before that did it?” Cas turned on his side to get a better look at Dean. 

“I mean….. I didn’t know that you felt so strongly about me until right now.” It was sort of a non-answer but it was the truth. 

“And now that you know how I feel about you, are there any feelings that you want to talk about?” Cas asked Dean in a questioning tone. 

Dean could feel himself stiffen. He just wanted to lay with his afterglow and just live in the moment. Of course Cas wanted to talk it over to death and label everything with a nice neat feelings label. Of course he did. Dean was starting to miss old robo Cas. 

“Cas you know I care about you, but the reason I slept with you was so I wouldn’t have to say those words back.” Dean regretted the words the minute they were out of his mouth. Hell he regretted them the minute he thought them. There were so many better ways he could have phrased them. What he meant to say was that he wanted to show Cas how he felt, because saying those three words was difficult for him. He wanted to explain how every time he said them someone died. Dean wanted to explain how he had issues and he had to work through them before he let anyone into his world. 

Cas seemed to think that Dean meant exactly what he said, because in a flash he was off the bed and fully dressed, fuming. 

“Are you telling me Dean Winchester, that you don’t love me so to make me feel better you had sex with me?!” Cas’ face was bright red. Dean had never seen Cas that mad before. 

“What? No! That’s not what I meant.” Dean was fumbling trying to not sound like a complete jackass. 

“Then what did you mean?” Cas said tightly, with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“It’s just that you said you love me, and I couldn’t say it back so I thought…” Dean said mumbling his words. 

“You thought that sex would just magically fix everything!” Cas looked enraged. Cas kept rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands. Dean wasn’t sure if it was because Cas was about to cry or because he was so angry he didn’t even want to look at Dean. Dean wasn’t sure which one would be worse. 

Dean winced. “Cas I’m trying really hard here to be the person you want me to be.” Dean held his palms up, trying with his gesture to say that he wasn’t here to hurt Cas and was trying hard to be the person Cas thought he was. 

Cas deflated. “Dean I don’t need you to be the person that you think I want you to be. I want you to be who you are and still want me. I want to know that what we just did five minutes ago” Cas pointed towards the bed, “Meant to you what it meant to me.” Cas’ words sounded wet like he was on the verge of tears. He turned towards the door and away from Dean. 

Dean scrambled off of the bed to stop him, “Cas wait.” He reached out and put his hand on Cas’ shoulder. 

Cas just shrugged him off. He wouldn’t even look at Dean. “You know Dean I finally understand how all those girls you spent the night with felt.” With those parting words, Cas disappeared. 

****** 

Dean laid in his bed thinking about what happened with Cas and him. He didn’t even put on clothes, because he deserved to be naked and cold. What Cas said to him really got to him. He had a history of hooking up with girls and having it not meaning anything, but they knew what they signed up for when they hooked up with him. It wasn’t like he was trying to manipulate them into bed with him. He never made promises he couldn’t keep. 

The whole thing was driving him crazy because Cas was meant to just get him. He always understood Dean. Cas understood that Dean saying he needed Cas meant that he cared about him. Cas got that Dean showed his affections through teasing words and humor. Maybe it wasn’t normal but it worked for Dean. It wasn’t like Dean had many role models in the feelings department. His father was an emotionally stunted asshole whose feelings ranged from angry to drunk angry. Bobby was a good person no doubt, but he was more likely to call someone an idjit than say he loved them. Realistically Sam was the person he would say was closest to being a functional human being in Dean’s life and that was saying something. Or rather Sam was the closest who Dean could talk to about Cas. 

Dean knew he should put on clothes and be the bigger man and ask Sam for advice. Brothers got advice on girls all the time. But that’s what was tripping Dean up. Most brothers asked about girls. Hell Sam and him had talked about girls before. But this was different. Cas was a boy. Well really he was ungendered celestial being, but he was wearing the body of a guy. If Dean was going to ask for advice, then he would have to fess up to a lot. While Sam seemed to not care what Dean did in his spare time, he might if Dean was with a boy. Dean had never even implied to Sam that he wasn’t technically maybe not straight. 

Sam knowing would be another secret that Dean couldn’t hide anymore. But even if Dean didn’t tell Sam know now Sam would still find out sooner or later. It’s not like Cas would want to be Dean’s dirty little secret, and Dean sure as hell didn’t want him to be. The whole thing was a mess. Dean wasn’t sure how Sam was going to react, but he sure as fuck knew he didn’t want to walk on eggshells around Sam and not be who he really is. 

The more that he thought about it the more Dean wanted to tell Sam because he wanted to. Sure it would be nice to talk about Cas with someone, but Dean wanted to tell Sam for himself. Even if Cas didn’t want to be with Dean anymore after today, Dean telling Sam still felt like the right choice. Sam was his brother and he meant the world to Dean. While having his approval wasn’t necessary, because there is no changing who Dean is, having it would be nice. It would be nice if even after knowing all of Dean’s secrets Sam was still in his corner. And if Sam wasn’t supportive, then Dean would deal with that too. 

Knowing that coming out was something he wanted to do for himself made Dean realize he was ready to talk to Sam. Well not ready ready but as ready as he will ever be. He grabbed clothes from his dresser to get dressed for his talk with Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well friends we're nearing the end here. I'm thinking maybe three more chapters and this story should be done. I apologize for this chapter because I'll admit it's not my best work. I knew where I was trying to go with the story but getting there was nearly impossible. I guess that's the struggles of a writer. I also apologize if at any point this chapter becomes something completely different because I'm a perfectionist. Thanks for sticking around. And if anyone wants to discuss this week's episode of Supernatural or even this season I'm game.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter to you all. Thanks for your patience. I'll try to be better. But as of right now I think there will be one more chapter and then the epilogue so that's exciting. I'll try to get the next chapter up soonish because this one took so long. But at least it's semi long. On a side note to those who are currently watching the show: Who else is over Amara? Just me? Because I find her character to be annoying. That may just be me. Leave your opinions in the comments as always.

Dean walked to the kitchen where Sam was leaning over his laptop. He was likely researching a case or learning about something for fun. God Sam was such a nerd. And it made Dean feel so proud. 

Thinking about how proud he was of his brother, and how much he loved him made Dean feel nervous. From this moment on Sam and him might not have the same kind of relationship they once did. If Sam cut him out of his life, Dean would never again see his stupid excited face or be able to laugh at the jerky movements Sam made when he was trying to describe something but was too excited to get the words out. 

It was lucky that they were in the kitchen already because it was one, Dean’s favorite room in the house, and two the place where they kept the beer. And to have this conversation he was definitely going to need one. 

Dean walked over to the fridge and popped one open and Sam didn’t even glance up from what he was doing. Dean really needed to quit. Just not right now. 

Dean sat down at the table across from Sam and waited for Sam to acknowledge his presence. It took a minute, and Dean used that time to have an internal battle. Finally Sam spoke. 

“Something on your mind Dean?” 

“No.” Sam went back to what he was doing. 

“No wait no there was something I wanted to talk to you about.” Sam looked up again confused about Dean’s change of heart. 

“Does this have something to do with John?” Sam said his name with a whisper as if the mere mention of their father would make Dean spiral out of control. But Sam didn’t know the time and effort Dean put into not flinching or visibly reacting when Sam brought him up. Sam had no idea the time Dean spent spinning lies and pretending their father was some hero and training himself to say the words with conviction. But that was a conversation for another day. Their father didn’t get to ruin this conversation; he wasn’t allowed to have this. 

“This isn’t about him.” Dean wasn’t sure how to start. 

“Then what’s it about? A case?” Sam raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t often that Dean went out of his way to research cases. That was more Sam’s area. Dean was more about just going out and killing things. 

“No it isn’t about a case.” Dean could hear Sam breathe out a sigh. Clearly Sam wasn’t interested in playing twenty questions all night. 

“It’s like this…” Dean started. “It’s like you know how when you went away to school because you wanted to have another life you know? Like you knew what you wanted and you were tired of hiding what you wanted?” 

“Yes I remember. What’s this about Dean? Did you decide to go back to school? Are you ready to retire from hunting?” Sam got a hopeful look in his eyes. Of course he would want Dean to quit the life. 

“No I think I’ll be a hunter until I die or I can’t anymore.” Dean said it like it was fact. Of course he would die a hunter. Dean’s father may have pushed him into it but it was who he was. 

“Then what’s it about?” 

“I’m tired of hiding who I am.” Sam seemed concerned. 

“And what are you?” 

“I’m bisexual.” Dean spit out the words so fast he wasn’t sure that Sam even understood. Sam pushed the hair away from his eyes. It was a nervous tic of his. Dean groaned internally. 

“I’m glad that you felt comfortable telling me and you should know that I support you.” Sam had his super sincere face on. The one he wore when he was talking to a victim’s family. Sam sounded like one of those books with titles like “Talking to Your Teen: How to be Supportive.” It was such a Sam response that Dean could feel the nerves leave his body. Clearly Sam was still being his emotionally supportive self and he clearly still loved Dean. 

“Damn Sam. Did you read that in your parenting books?” Sam looked defensive. 

“No I didn’t read it in a book. But I thought we might be having this conversation soon.” Sam sounded so proud of himself. Like he was freaking Sherlock or something. 

“What do you mean you thought we were going to have this conversation soon?” Sam was good but he wasn’t that good. He couldn’t possibly know. Dean was an excellent secret keeper. 

“Just the way you’ve been looking at Cas. And the way Cas has been looking at you. That’s what this is about isn’t it? This conversation is happening because you and Cas are together?” Sam looked like an excited puppy. Dean winced. Dean wasn’t sure that him and Cas were anything at the moment. 

“Me and Cas aren’t together. But I do have feelings for him.” Sam nodded. 

“Are you okay with that?” Dean wanted to make sure Sam was okay with it because his job would be affected if Dean and Cas got together. God his life would be affected. They all did sort of cohabitate. 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yes Dean it would be okay with me if you and Cas got together.” Sam sounded exasperated like Dean was being intentionally dense. 

“Well I wasn’t sure. This has to be an adjustment for you. I did kind of just spring this on you.” Sam shrugged. 

“It wasn’t really. I sort of already knew.” 

“What do you mean you sort of already knew?!” Dean didn’t like thinking that Sam could read him that well. 

“Dean I’ve know you were bisexual since I was 13.” 

“What?! No you didn’t how could you possibly know that?” 

“Dean I’m not an idiot. I knew about Tyler. But I also about Rose, Lily, and Jessica and all the others. It was the same thing every time. You would make me stay in the hotel room by myself and you went out wearing your best clothes and cologne. It didn’t exactly take a genius to figure it out.” Sam was giving him an unimpressed look. 

“You knew about Tyler?” Dean whispered the words. Dean took a big gulp of his beer. If there was one other secret he wanted to keep forever it was Tyler. Tyler was his first lots of things. And Tyler was also his first loss. Just hearing Tyler’s name made Dean’s heart ache. 

“Yeah when he came around once to the hotel room looking for you.” Dean suddenly wished that his beer was a shot. Actually he wished it was a number of shots. Dean could make it into a drinking game. Every time his heart hurt he could take a drink. 

“What ever happened to Tyler?” That question had to be worth at least a million shots. Dean started peeling off the label of the beer which was now empty. He needed to take a break from this conversation. 

“Tyler was…he was a big part of my life for a while. I got careless. We were…we were” Dean cleared his throat his words sticking “We were in the back of Baby when dad found us.” Dean went to get another beer. He couldn’t look at Sam. Dean could feel the sympathy radiating from him. 

“What happened?” Dean turned around and leaned against the counter. 

“Dad was so pissed he flew into a rage. He yanked me out of the car and Tyler was so stupid that he got in the way and got a black eye for the trouble.” Dean shrugged his shoulders. It was a long time ago. Too long for Dean to still be affected by it. 

“Then what happened? Did he break up with you?” Sam looked pissed like he was ready to find a boyfriend of Dean’s from twenty years ago and punch him in the face. 

“No that would have been easier. No he wanted me to go to the cops. But I had you to think about. If dad got caught there would be no one to take care of you. They would have never given me custody. It wasn’t like I had a whole lot of job experience they would know I couldn’t support you. It wasn’t like I could write “Able to take out vamps” on my resume. I told him we could stay together but we would have to do it in secret. And he said that he couldn’t be anyone’s dirty little secret. He didn’t want to be shoved back into the straight box. And I couldn’t ask that of him so I broke up with him.” Dean suddenly wondered about what happened to Tyler. If he was married now with kids of his own if he had a whole history now that had nothing to do with Dean. He probably had more in his life than Dean did. Dean cut that thought off because Dean had Sam and Cas. He didn’t need anyone else. 

“Is that why you never told me? Because of him?” Sam still refused to call John dad anymore. 

“That was part of it. Also being bisexual is confusing to people. I didn’t want it to be a deal if I was with a girl one day and a boy another.” 

“Dean I will love you no matter who you love. And you never seemed to care what people thought before. You know it’s always you and me against the world.” 

“Yeah but this is different. Some people don’t even think bisexuality is a thing. I heard a joke once. What’s the difference between a unicorn and a bisexual?” 

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. What?” 

“Unicorns are on tv.” Sam frowned. 

“Well whoever you are is cool by me. If you’re bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, transsexual, asexual, heterosexual, whatever.” 

“Thanks Sammy.” Dean looked down at the floor. He could feel a tear sliding down his cheek. This whole thing was becoming too much of a moment for him. He was never good at moments. Dean could hear Sam coming towards him. Dean felt Sam’s arms wrap around him. It was nice to have a moment together for something other than saying goodbye. 

Dean coughed. “Well this has been nice and all but I also kind of told you because I need romantic advice.” Sam started to laugh as he broke up the hug. 

“Never did I think the day would come when you would ask for romantic advice. And I really didn’t think if it did that you would ask me.” Sam went into the fridge to grab a beer and go back to his spot at the table. “Alright shoot what’s the problem?” 

“Me and Cas go into a fight. And I don’t know what to do about it.” That was putting it lightly. 

Sam frowned. “I’m going to need a little more than that if I’m going to help you. Why are you and Cas fighting?” Dean shifted from one foot to another. He didn’t know how to explain to Sam. 

“Well what it comes down to is the fact that he may have expressed having some deep feeling for me. And I may not have been able to express them back and I may have tried to express my feeling in another way and Cas may or may not hate me now.” 

Sam smirked and took another drink of his beer. “So what I’m hearing is Cas told you that he loved you, you couldn’t say it back so instead you tried to distract him and now he’s pissed because he thinks that he doesn’t mean anything to you. Am I close?” Sam was wearing a smug look on his face. After this conversation Dean was going to have to knock him down a few pegs. Put Nair in his shampoo or something. 

“That’s pretty much on the money. I mean I care about Cas I do but I just don’t express myself the same way he does. Hell I don’t think anyone expresses themselves the way that Cas does.” Dean’s fingers itched for another beer to distance himself from his problems, but he stayed where he was because this conversation was important and he needed to have a clear head. 

Sam made an hmm noise. “All you need to do is talk to Cas. He knows how you are about feelings I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s stuck with you this far I’m sure he’s in it for the long haul. I’ll get him here so you can talk to him.” 

“Thanks Sammy I’m sorry to put you in the middle of our fight. I don’t want you to have to pick sides.” 

Sam scoffed. “There’s no need to apologize. I don’t need to pick a side I’m on yours no matter what no questions asked.” 

Dean smiled. Having Sammy in his life was the most important thing to him and knowing that he was there to stay made Dean happy. “Damn Sam that was girly. Would you like me to go grab your diary so you can tell it all about your feelings?” 

Sam rolled his eyes and crumbled up his beer wrapper to throw at Dean. Dean made a halfhearted attempt to dodge it. It wouldn’t hurt him but it was the principle of the thing. Dean began to walk out of the room. 

“Hey Dean!” 

“Yeah Sam?” 

“I’m glad that we could have this talk. And if you want to have another one know that I’m here.” 

“Thanks Sammy. I’m going to need your help getting Cas here later. But there is some business I need to take care of first.” 

Sam just nodded his head and went back to doing whatever it was he was doing on his computer before Dean had come into the room. When Sam turned around Dean pulled out his phone and dialed 666. Dean got his voicemail. 

“Crowley meet me at the usual spot in two hours.” Dean hung up the phone and shoved it in his pocket and walked towards the garage to go get Baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the person who asked for more Crowley/Dean, I promised I would try so the next chapter will deal with more of the friendship. Let me know how I do on that.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys. It's official. I'm a liar. Instead of one more chapter and then an epilogue there is going to be this chapter then another chapter then the epilogue. I don't know if you guys will appreciate it or be annoyed. But I am putting this up fairly early so there is that.

“Ugh.” Dean wiped his mouth against his sleeve. He was getting too old to keep doing the same crap he was doing when he was twenty. 

Crowley echoed Dean’s sentiment as he slammed down his empty shot glass. It was mostly for show though, because Dean knew that the King of Hell could throw them back. It might be a decades of practice thing or it might be a demon thing. Dean would probably never know. 

“You know Squirrel as much as I like drinking piss poor tequila in this shit hole what is the real reason you rang? Missing our bromance are we? Hiding from the missus? I do so love being the other woman.” Crowley raised his eyebrows at Dean. 

Dean scoffed and signaled the waitress for two more shots. “No I actually called to say thank you.” 

Crowley looked shocked. “Did I just hear a Winchester say thank you? What for? Constantly saving you and the other plaid wearing Neanderthal? I’m surprised you even know what a thank you is with how uncivilized you are. It’s a little late but I’ll accept your apology in the form of Craig, aged 30 years at least. None of this swill,” Crowley said motioning to their empty glasses which at this point were piling up. 

Dean groaned. Of course Crowley would pretend he didn’t know what Dean was talking about. “I meant thank you for what you did for Cas. Well for me, Cas, and Sam. You know the soul thing.” Dean was going to leave it at that. Crowley would know what he was talking about. It wasn’t like Crowley didn’t have his own parental problems. Rowena was a piece of work. 

“Honestly Squirrel I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t recall me and Ducky ever having a conversation about any particular soul. I deal in souls you remember? You could be talking about any of my precious bastard babies.” Crowley began swirling his drink around with his straw. Dean had ordered him a shot of tequila but Crowley somehow ended up with a fruity looking drink equipped with three cherries an umbrella and what looked like a pitchfork. It looked complicated and disgusting. Dean would never understand him. 

Dean took his shot. “Well Crowley if you suddenly regain your memories, know that I meant what I said,” Dean said clapping Crowley on the back. He got up to leave because as much as he secretly liked drinking with someone who could keep up with him, if he continued going at the rate he was going Baby would end up in a ditch. 

Crowley glanced up toward Dean. “Well Squirrel it was nice to speak when neither one of us is trying to kill the other. I suggest we do this again. Preferably somewhere were there isn’t the stench of BO and desperate college students.” Crowley looked around the bar with a disgusted look on his face. If Dean was too old for this scene then Crowley was definitely too old. 

Dean saluted. He was really making plans to be in the same room with Crowley without the intention of asking him for a favor. How times have changed. “I know your number; you get surprisingly good service in hell.” 

Crowley waved his arm in a circle. “Damned souls do so love their Wi-Fi.” Dean laughed and turned to leave. 

“Dean!” Crowley called. Dean turned back towards him. 

“If hypothetically if there was a soul and that conversation between me and Castiel hypothetically did happen you should know that that certain soul would be tortured like no other soul has ever been tortured before.” Crowley began to drink his disgustingly green concoction from his straw. “You know if such a soul existed.” Crowley stared down at his drink like it held the secrets of the world. 

Dean smiled. Crowley just pretended to be a monster, but the guy wasn’t nearly half as bad as he wanted people to believe he was. “And if the soul really did exist I would be honored by your special treatment.” Dean respected that him and Crowley were friends but not the kind of friends who talked about their feelings or acted like they cared. 

Crowley nodded his head and turned around on his bar seat and his henchman began forming a wall behind his back. Dean turned back towards the door. 

“One more thing Squirrel.” Dean paused but didn’t turn around. “If this wasn’t all very hypothetical I would tell you that you’re worth a lot more than you or any hypothetical soul give you credit for.” 

Dean didn’t have a response to that. So he didn’t say anything. He just walked out the front door. 

************************************************** 

Dean knew that Cas was going to be pissed when he realized Sam had tricked him. Cas was going to be doubly pissed and Dean wasn’t sure his plan was going to work. 

Just then Cas flew into the room. His head whipped around and he looked straight at Dean. Cas’ face was a mixture of fear and anger. 

“You aren’t seriously injured Dean.” Cas pointed an accusing finger at him. “Sam told me that you were in a car accident and instead of bringing you to a hospital he brought you here. It’s just stupid enough for it to be something you would do.” 

Dean flinched. “Yeah about that. I asked Sam to get you here so I could talk to you. I didn’t like the way we left things. I wanted to apologize.” Cas stared unblinking at Dean. It sometimes freaked Dean out how inhuman Cas was sometimes. Cas didn’t have to blink or shift positions if he didn’t want to. 

Dean gestured toward his bed. “Can we sit?” Cas gave him an unimpressed look but followed him nonetheless. Cas sat on the edge of the bed and left plenty of space between him and Dean. Dean hated it. 

Cas kept looking at Dean. Dean knew that he was the one that called Cas here but he was suddenly very nervous. “I just wanted to say that what happened yesterday. It wasn’t. It wasn’t what I seemed like. Of course I care about you. I just couldn’t…I couldn’t tell you the way you wanted me to. I can’t be the perfect boyfriend who says exactly the right thing all the time or hell even most of the time. Not that you know you asked to be my boyfriend and you never said that that’s where this is going.” Dean took a breath. “But I wanted to show you how I felt. I know this doesn’t make up for what I did. But I wanted to show you the way I felt.” 

Cas peered at Dean. “How?” He seemed skeptical, but he hadn’t left yet. And he showed up when Dean needed him. Or rather when he thought Dean needed him. That meant he had to care at least a little bit. 

“I called a guy who owns a bee farm. He said that we could stop by tomorrow if we wanted to. I remember you once telling me that you liked to watch bees. And if you don’t want to do that there’s this zoo that’s nearby that has monkeys and I remembered you saying how apes are such smart creatures and you didn’t like how they tested makeup on them. So maybe we can go see them and I’ll even distract the zoo keepers if you wanted to angel them out of captivity.” 

“Dean,” Cas tried to cut Dean off but he was on a roll. 

“And I know that you used to like eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches so I went to a farmer’s market and got you homemade jelly to try. And I also made you a peanut butter and banana sandwich because Sammy likes those and I know you never tried one. And I made burgers too because Novak used to like those. But then I thought that maybe you wouldn’t want any of those because it might taste like molecules now that you got your mojo back.” Dean shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t know how to fix this,” Dean gestured between the two of them. “But I just wanted you to know that I listen and I care even if I can’t say it.” 

“Dean,” Cas said as he moved closer to Dean and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, Cas?” Dean coughed, because the words seemed to stick. 

“I know how you feel about me Dean Winchester. I don’t need you to tell me. I don’t need to hear it right now. I know you feel like if you tell me that you love me than something bad would happen. But it’s not. I’m here to stay.” 

Dean felt relief. “Thanks Cas, I know I’ll get there at some point but I’m just not sure that I’m there now?” Dean posed it like a question, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t in that place. 

Cas patted Dean’s leg. “Dean you told me how you felt every time you told me to stay back from a hunt because you didn’t want me to get hurt. You told me when you said you needed me. I don’t want you to feel like you are ever obligated to tell me.” 

“Thanks Cas.” It meant a lot to Dean that Cas knew who he was and wasn’t trying to change him. 

“Dean may I show you something?” Cas leaned into Dean’s personal space with his hand out. Dean couldn’t find it in himself to be mad about it. 

“Anything,” Dean breathed out. 

“I’m going to show you a place,” with that Cas touched Dean’s forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I would like to give a shoutout to everyone who writes Crowley as a character. I found this chapter to be really tough because he's got such a specific type of humor. Sorry his part wasn't as long as I intended, but I really struggled.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp friends. I'm just going to add the rest of the chapters since I'm finished and posting the end is making me sad and I want to know how you guys feel about how this is going to end.

Dean blinked his eyes open and realized they were still in the bunker. 

“Uh Cas, not that I don’t appreciate it and everything but I do know what the bunker is already.” Dean didn’t want offend Cas but he had no idea what they were doing. 

Cas rolled his eyes. “This is the bunker just not the bunker in present time.” 

“What year is it?” 

“Well technically it’s still present time. But this place doesn’t really exist.” Dean must have looked really confused because Cas kept speaking. “This is what my heaven looked like.” 

Now Dean was really confused. He wasn’t the brightest guy but he knew that angels didn’t have their own heaven. “How is this your heaven?” 

“Remember when I was human?” Dean nodded his head even though it was a rhetorical question. “Well when I became human I received my own heaven. I saw it but then when I became an angel again it was destroyed. I wanted to show it to you.” Cas looked nervous. Like he thought Dean was going to reject him. Dean would never. And he felt oddly proud that Cas wanted to share this piece of him with Dean. 

“I would love to see your heaven Cas.” Cas grabbed his hand and led him towards the kitchen. 

Heaven Dean and heaven Cas were cooking in the kitchen. It was weirdly domestic looking. It made Dean feel a tug in his stomach. The whole thing was doing things to him. Being here with heaven Cas was doing things. Knowing that Cas’ heaven involved him, and seeing the look on both of their faces was doing things. In a good way. Dean had the sinking feeling that he looked at Cas that way even when they weren’t in heaven mode. Dean was going to have a buy Sam a present for putting up with him and Cas for this long. 

_“Cas, babe you’re cutting those all wrong,” Dean said laughing. Cas pouted._

_“You know that Sam and Jess won’t care. Besides I think I’m doing a great job.” Cas held up a piece of potato. It was oddly shaped and none of the other pieces on the cutting board were the same shape or size. The pieces were all going to cook at different times. The whole was going to be a mess. But Dean knew that Sam and Jesse wouldn’t care. They were almost as endeared with Cas as Dean was. And that was a whole lot._

_“You’re right Cas it looks amazing.” Dean kissed Cas and leaned over him to grab food and pop it in his mouth._

_Cas slapped Dean’s hand away. Dean looked sheepish. “Dean we need enough for everyone. Jody is bringing both girls and their boyfriends.”_

_Dean puffed out his chest. “I’m not sure how I feel about Claire’s new boyfriend. I think I may have to him a talking to.” Cas swatted at his chest._

_“You will do no such thing. He’s a nice boy, a nice boy who is okay with her being a hunter. That’s hard to find.” Dean nodded his head._

_“Yeah that’s why I married you, because I couldn’t find anyone who didn’t want to try to change me from the badass hunter that I am.” Cas shot him an annoyed look._

_“The fact that you’re amazing and hot didn’t hurt either.” Dean grinned. Cas pretended to be unaffected, but he didn’t stop Dean when Dean grabbed more food either._

“This is what your heaven is like?” It was a stupid question because it was obviously Cas’ heaven but it was insane to Dean that Cas’ deepest darkest secret was that he wanted to be domestic with Dean. If it was anyone else Dean might have been suffocated by how quickly serious their relationship was, but with Cas it just felt natural. They had been dancing around their feelings for years. 

Cas nodded his head. “I’m not sure what is customary for humans, but I wanted you to know that you are it for me Dean Winchester.” 

Dean knew it was the thing that had gotten him in trouble in the first place but he couldn’t help himself. He leaned over and kissed Cas. Cas just smiled into the kiss.


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end. This is the last chapter. It's time for me to cry. I want to say a huge thank you for everyone who has stuck with the story thus far, whether it be from the beginning or more recently. Also this chapter is a little short! Sorry.

Dean was going to kill Cas. He was going to kill Cas and he was going to kill Sam. Well maybe not Sam. It wasn’t Sam’s fault that he stopped hunting with Cas and Dean. Dean guessed it was natural for Sam to stop hunting with the people that almost got him killed because they were too busy arguing over whose turn it was to do the dishes. But Dean could have sworn it was Cas’ turn. 

He couldn’t really kill Cas either. Dean needed him alive. Dean really cared about the annoying jerk. But right now Dean was pissed at Cas. Pissed that Cas gave up his grace. Pissed that Cas went and got himself hurt on their hunt. Pissed that Dean couldn’t have stopped it. 

“Hey Cas I need you to stay with me.” Dean was panicking. He needed to not be panicking because he needed to keep his head clear enough to get Cas to the hospital. To a hospital where they could fix Cas so then Dean could kill him for scaring Dean. 

Cas’ hand waved out to hit Dean. Cas’ muscles were weak so it didn’t quite make it. “Dean I’m going to be fine.” Cas’ eyes were closed and it was scaring Dean. Cas lost a lot of blood and he didn’t have powers to mojo himself better with. 

“Cas, babe I need you to stay awake for me. Okay? We’re going to get you to the hospital and everything will be fine.” Dean kept repeating that in his head. Because Cas would be fine. He had to be. Dean needed him, as selfish as it was. 

When they got to the hospital, Dean lifted Cas out from the car to carry him in. “Cas I’m going to be with you the whole time.” 

“I need some help over here!” Dean yelled at one of the nurses. He felt a little bad about it, but she didn’t seem to upset about it. She was probably more worried about the bleeding guy. As she should be. Cas should be everyone’s top priority. 

Someone brought in a stretcher to lay Cas down on, and Dean tried to lay him down as gently as possible. The doctor came over and looked Cas in his eyes with a flashlight. 

“Sir what’s your name?” The doctor asked as he felt for Cas’ pulse. The doctor began pushing the stretcher with a nurse and Dean followed nervously. 

“Castiel,” Cas mumbled. Cas’ voice was barely audible and it was obvious he lost a lot of blood. 

“Last name?” The doctor questioned. 

“Winchester, his last name is Winchester.” Dean began to bite his nails. He broke the habit a long time ago but he figured it was okay to regress back at this moment. Dean looked down at Cas and noticed he was smiling. 

“Why are you smiling Cas? This is serious.” God, Dean was going to doubly kill him later for not taking this seriously. 

“It’s nothing Dean,” Cas said a smile still on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say that this chapter wasn't really my idea. I got this from a post. So credit to whoever made it. But thank you thank you thank you everyone.


End file.
